Nathan's Example EtoV, HS and SJ (incl SF)

Hey Guys, it's Nathan. Here is an example of Emotions to Values + Hard Steps from my life. I also included a little Space Jam (with Structural Features) so you can see how I applied it.

Step 1) Recall a recent emotional situation

A friend of mine and I were taking a 3-week "morning challenge" yoga class together. One of the mornings, she greeted me by asking "How are you doing?" I took a moment to think before I responded. As I was feeling into my body, she walked away. I followed her into the other room, confused. She kept walking away from me. Eventually I confronted her, and asked if she didn't actually want me to answer that question. She said, "yes... it was rhetorical". I said, "thank you for telling me," and went back into the studio.

A few days later, we were at her house having a conversation about what had happened. I kept focusing on how unfair and immature I thought it was that she couldn't either talk to me or say that she didn't actually want to talk to me. I was drilling down on it, driven by anger from feeling mistreated and slightly humiliated. Eventually it came out that (of course) she had been having a really difficult week. And I was making it worse by being so harsh with my critique.

After that conversation, I felt really embarrased and disgusted with myself.

Step 2) Identify the emotion and its immediate cause

I felt embarassment and self-disgust because I had been unfairly critiquing my friend

Step 3) Explore the value behind the emotion through questions

• What way of living did you neglect?

I let myself get carried away, as if I would always have treated her the right way without making mistakes. I painted a really binary picture, and blew her mistake out of all proportion to what had actually happened. Upon reflection, I realize that I was motivated by a desparate image of how we all need to communicate clearly in every moment (or else the world will fall apart). I had neglected taking her context into account when criticizing how she had behaved. I also neglected to keep perspective on my own difficulties and shortcomings.

Step 4) Name your value

Step 5) Clarify your value

Here, I ran through the checklist, and didn't find any goals or expectations. So, it's a value!

🌳 Personal Value

Approaching other people's faults with humility and compassion, relating to them in a way that is deeply mindful of my own brokenness

(big thanks for edits from Anne, aka Bubble Poe)

🌳 Personal Value

Approaching other people's faults with humility and compassion, relating to them in a way that is deeply mindful of my own brokenness

• taking time to empathize with their struggle
• maintaining empathy for what it's like to be criticized
• remembering to scan my body, and become aware of what emotions may be driving my critique
• pausing to question my motives before speaking. noticing and choosing not to act on the desire to establish the other person's wrongness.
• noticing, feeling and owning my emotion
• asking for support in knowing if I am being heard
• remembering that the other person doesn't want to be a bad person
• assessing whether the other person can handle criticism right now
• allowing various ways of thinking about the situation to co-exist in this space between us
• remaining curious about the other person's inner life (feelings, narratives, desires)
• providing ways for the other person to sense my love and faith in them
• weighing the need to express my feelings against the other person's need to remain loving towards themselves
• process feelings as they arise, and returning to my original intentions
• clearing my mind to listen to their reactions to my critique
• sitting with the feeling that there might not be a solution
• waiting for feelings of compassion to arise
• tracking their ability to change over time
• remembering that they will likely not change in this conversation

Now I'll show you a space jam I made as a gift for the friend with whom I had been arguing. We've already used it once, and I definitely managed to live by my value.

Approaching other people's faults with humility and compassion, relating to them in a way that is deeply mindful of my own brokenness

Criticizing a friend

Conversations with a mediator: slow pace contribution from interlocutor interdependent shared topic

• assessing whether the other person can handle criticism right now
• asking for support in knowing if I am being heard
• taking time to feel empathy with their struggle
• remaining curious about the other person's inner life (feelings, narratives, desires)
• remembering that the other person doesn't want to be a bad person
• allowing various ways of thinking about the situation to co-exist in this space between us
• providing ways for the other person to sense my love and faith in them

💼 Jeez... I Need a Lawyer

Value. Approaching other people's faults with humility and compassion, relating to them in a way that is deeply mindful of my own brokenness

Instructions. When offering criticism to someone, give them a helpful option: If they feel the criticism is unjustified, they can say "Jeez... I need a lawyer". You then write out the facts of the case together on a piece of paper. Only facts you both agree on can be written down. Make an argument (to their satisfaction)* that presents their actions as if they were your client in court. Hint: draw on your own experience to understand their perfectly legitimate motivations. Once you've established the facts and their lawyer's argument, you can return to offering your criticism. *If you can't make their argument, you have to drop the case until you can.

Here are some hard steps I didn't include. Maybe you want to make another Space Jam?

• clearing my mind to listen to their reactions to my critique
• sitting with the feeling that there might not be a solution
• waiting for feelings of compassion to arise
• tracking their ability to change over time
• remembering that they will likely not change in this conversation