Now you're ready to learn one of the foundational skills of the Human Systems design method: Emotions to Values. Remember, this is hard. And practice makes perfect. The more you practice the Emotions to Values method, the more deeply you will understand it. If your house isn't on fire, do it at least twice. Even better, make it a daily reflection!

You should set aside about an hour to do this exercise the first time. With practice, you'll be able to do it in real time as emotions come up. But it makes sense to go slow at first.

Step back into your memory. Remember a situation in which you had an uncomfortable emotion (sadness, anger, hopelessness, etc.). It doesn't have to be a "big" emotion. Great values can be harvested from even small annoyances. For your first time, avoid emotions related to more general life problems or previous trauma. Try a situation that brought up challenging emotions that are linked to the situation itself.

Ask yourself: What was it like for you to actually be in the situation? Where were you? Who were you with? What happened? What emotions came up? How did they manifest in your body? What did you see, touch, taste, smell? Picture being there as vividly as you can. Sketch the outline of the story here:

You've identified different emotions that came up. Decide on the one that was most clear and present. Think about what happened that caused that emotion.

Write down your emotion and what happened.

Example: I felt frustrated because people were late.

In any social situation, you attend to some things and not to others — your awareness is limited, so you zoom in on what seems relevant. Examine how outcomes and expectations guided your awareness in your emotion story.

Note: Emotion stories are very diverse. Not all of them contain every form of outcomes and expectations. If a question doesn't seem to fit, just skip that part. And don't judge the way you were thinking at the time. Just do a brain dump for now.

What way did you have to be / how did you have to treat people or approach things in order to fit in, or so that someone/people would like you, or so that you like yourself? Maybe there was an image that you felt like you had to live up to somehow?

How was your brain making sense of the situation? It's very likely that your understanding was non-verbal. But try to find a phrase that captures how your awareness was being guided:

What way did you have to be / how did you have to treat people or approach things in order to show someone/other peope how to act? (setting expectations)

How was your brain making sense of the situation? It's very likely that your understanding was non-verbal. But try to find a phrase that capture how your awareness was being guided:

What way did you think you had to be / how did you have to treat people or approach things in order to achieve some practical outcome (a goal). Alternately, what way did you think you had to be / how did you have to treat people or approach things in order to avoid some practical outcome? (an anti-goal)

It's time to reflect on the situation in a new light. Some way of being / treating people / approaching things was being crowded out by outcomes or expectations. Explore the personal values that your emotions indicate.

Expectations and Outcomes are extrinsic motivators. But personal values are intrinsically motivating—guiding your attention down a path, and make the most inherently worthwhile choices stand out.

Can you think of someone who would have handled this situation well? How would they have approached it? (admiration)

When you think back, what advice would you give yourself in that situation? (reflection)

If you would ignore outcomes and expectations above, what way of approaching things or treating people would have seemed worthwhile anyway? (appreciation)

Hint: search for the "heart-opening, deeply relaxing yes" in your body when you formulate it.