Now you're ready to learn one of the foundational skills of the Human Systems design method: Emotions to Values. Remember, this is hard. And practice makes perfect. The more you practice the Emotions to Values method, the more deeply you will understand it. If your house isn't on fire, do it at least twice. Even better, make it a daily reflection!
You should set aside about an hour to do this exercise the first time. With practice, you'll be able to do it in real time as emotions come up. But it makes sense to go slow at first.
Step 1: Recall an "emotional situation"
Step back into your memory. Remember a situation in which you had an uncomfortable emotion (sadness, anger, hopelessness, etc.). It doesn't have to be a "big" emotion. Great values can be harvested from even small annoyances. For your first time, avoid emotions related to more general life problems or previous trauma. Try a situation that brought up challenging emotions that are linked to the situation itself.
Ask yourself: What was it like for you to actually be in the situation? Where were you? Who were you with? What happened? What emotions came up? How did they manifest in your body? What did you see, touch, taste, smell? Picture being there as vividly as you can. Sketch the outline of the story here:
I was with my son at the grocery store. The lady in front of us was paying a rather large grocery bill with coins. It was taking forever. I felt frustrated. There was a tightness in my chest, and I was clenching my teeth. I just wanted to get out of there and get on with my day.
Now simplify your story for this exercise
You've identified different emotions that came up. Decide on the one that was most clear and present. Think about what happened that caused that emotion.
Write down your emotion and what happened.
Example: I felt frustrated because people were late.
Step 2: Identify Outcomes and Expectations
In any social situation, you attend to some things and not to others — your awareness is limited, so you zoom in on what seems relevant. Examine how outcomes and expectations guided your awareness in your emotion story.
Note: Emotion stories are very diverse. Not all of them contain every form of outcomes and expectations. If a question doesn't seem to fit, just skip that part. And don't judge the way you were thinking at the time. Just do a brain dump for now.
💍 Meeting Expectations
What way did you have to be / how did you have to treat people or approach things in order to fit in, or so that someone/people would like you, or so that you like yourself? Maybe there was an image that you felt like you had to live up to somehow?
From the example emotion story above (at the grocery store):
💍 I need to stand quietly in line like everyone else
Some "Meeting Expectations" Words You Might Try
Adventurous / Capable / Clever / Creative / Deep / Dependable / Disciplined / Excited / Friendly / Generous / Genuine / Humorous / Happy / Inclusive / Kind / Knowledgable / Moderate / Modest / Patient / Professional / Punctual / Resourceful / Spiritual / Trustworthy
Full-on Examples
I want to be a good mother, so I've got to be caring.
All my friends know that I am the experimental one.
I learned from when I was a small boy that you have to be respectful of others.
How is honesty guiding choices in terms of expectations? (think, then click the ▶ toggle)
I am honest because I think my social role demands it.
- I see myself as a trusted journalist. So my choices around »how to write my stories« are being guided by honesty as a way of meeting expectations—behaving in a way that I believe will allow me to continue to function in my social role.
I am honest because I want other people to like and accept me.
- I am afraid my friends won't like and accept me if they think I am lying, i.e. not conforming to our group's standards. So my choices about »how to speak with my friends« are guided by honesty as a way of meeting expectations—social norms have been generated through consequences and pressure imposed by others.
I am honest because I need to like and accept myself.
- I want to think of myself as a good person. So my choices around »how to talk to customers« are being guided by honesty as a way of meeting expectations—an internalized image (derived from social norms) that I impose upon myself.
How was your brain making sense of the situation? It's very likely that your understanding was non-verbal. But try to find a phrase that captures how your awareness was being guided:
From the example emotion story above (at the grocery store):
💍 hide your frustration from other people so they don't feel uncomfortable
These stories are from the field guide. Click the ▶ toggle to review the stories if you want.
In response to expectations, your mind focuses on this...
My readers know my column is three things: fast, accurate, and reliable. If they found out I'd made up any little detail of a story, they would lose all trust in me.
I am honest because I think my social role demands it.
- I see myself as a trusted journalist. So my choices around »how to write my stories« are being guided by honesty as a way of meeting expectations—behaving in a way that I believe will allow me to continue to function in my social role.
When it turned out that Joshua was lying, everyone just stopped hanging out with him. I'd never do what he did. I mean, you can't just go around making stuff up.
I am honest because I want other people to like and accept me.
- I am afraid my friends won't like and accept me if they think I am lying, i.e. not conforming to our group's standards. So my choices about »how to speak with my friends« are guided by honesty as a way of meeting expectations—social norms have been generated through consequences and pressure imposed by others.
There's nothing worse than being a a scumbag salesman, saying anything to get ahead. I always tell people exactly what I think, and let the chips fall where they may.
I am honest because I need to like and accept myself.
- I want to think of myself as a good person. So my choices around »how to talk to customers« are being guided by honesty as a way of meeting expectations—an internalized image (derived from social norms) that I impose upon myself.
🛃 Setting Expectations
What way did you have to be / how did you have to treat people or approach things in order to show someone/other peope how to act? (setting expectations)
Some "Social Modellling" Words You Might Try
Adventurous / Capable / Clever / Creative / Deep / Dependable / Disciplined / Enthusiastic about... / Friendly / Generous / Genuine / Humorous / Happy / Inclusive / Informed / Kind / Moderate / Modest / Patient / Professional / Punctual / Resourceful / Spiritual / Trustworthy
And how about these ideologies / social visions?
Most Religions (and in so many shades) / All Kinds of Patriotism / Alt-Right / Communitarianism / Conservatism / Fascism / Feminism / Liberalism / Marxism / Monogamy / Neoconservatism / Polyamory / Populism / Slow Food / Socialism / Veganism / Vegetarianism
Full-on Examples
Everyone should be emotionally resilient, just like I am.
All good / right-thinking people know they ought to be a patriotic Hungarian.
I'm going home for Christmas... My brother should be a good son, like me!
As a preacher, it's my responsibility to show my congregation how to be a pious Christian.
The world would be a better place if only everyone were non-religious.
From the example emotion story above (at the grocery store):
🛃 put my items on the belt, have my bags out and my debit card in hand
How is honesty guiding choices in terms of goals/fears? (think, then click the ▶ toggle)
I am honest in order to show you as an individual (or group) how to be.
- I want people working for me to own their mistakes. So my choices around »how to behave in meetings« are being guided by honesty as a way of setting expectations— modelling the behavior that I would like to see from others around me.
I am honest because I think that everyone needs to be that way.
- I believe that Radical Honesty is the right way for everyone to live. So my choices about »how to speak to others« are guided by honesty as an ideology—a way of setting expectations in terms of a vision for my whole social world.
How was your brain making sense of the situation? It's very likely that your understanding was non-verbal. But try to find a phrase that capture how your awareness was being guided:
From the example emotion story above (at the grocery store):
🛃 multi-task to get your "turn" over in as little time as possible
These stories are from the field guide. Click the ▶ toggle to review the stories if you want.
In order to show others the way forward, you need to...
Whenever I make a mistake at the office, I bring it up immediately in the next meeting. It's not company policy, but as a manager, I need to demonstrate leadership.
I am honest in order to show you as an individual (or group) how to be.
- I want people working for me to own their mistakes. So my choices around »how to behave in meetings« are being guided by honesty as a way of setting expectations— modelling the behavior that I would like to see from others around me.
Everyone needs to read Brad Blanton's »Radical Honesty: How to Transform Your Life by Telling the Truth«. The world would be a better place if everyone stopped lying.
I am honest because I think that everyone needs to be that way.
- I believe that Radical Honesty is the right way for everyone to live. So my choices about »how to speak to others« are guided by honesty as an ideology—a way of setting expectations in terms of a vision for my whole social world.
📈 Other Practical Outcomes
What way did you think you had to be / how did you have to treat people or approach things in order to achieve some practical outcome (a goal). Alternately, what way did you think you had to be / how did you have to treat people or approach things in order to avoid some practical outcome? (an anti-goal)
From the example emotion story above (at the grocery store):
I wanted to be efficient and get through the line as quickly as possible.
Some Common "Outcome" Ways to Be
Adventurous / Capable / Clever / Creative / Deep / Dependable / Disciplined / Excited / Friendly / Generous / Genuine / Humorous / Happy / Inclusive / Kind / Knowledgable / Moderate / Modest / Patient / Professional / Punctual / Resourceful / Spiritual / Trustworthy /
Full-on Examples
At work, it pays off if other people think of me as productive so that I don't get fired.
I need to make sure I'm curious about my body so that I remain healthy.
As a renter, I need to keep things in working order so that I don't get evicted.
How is honesty guiding choices in terms of outcomes? (think, then click the ▶ toggle)
I believe it will pay off for other people to think of me as honest.
- I believe that if you see me as honest, you are more likely to invest in my startup. So my choices around »responding to questions« are being guided by honesty as a strategy to achieve that goal.
I'm convinced I'll get better outcomes if I am honest with myself.
- I believe that I have to be brutally honest with myself in order to be a great painter. So my choices about »how to make art« are guided by honesty as a strategy to acheive that goal.
I believe it will pay off for other people to think of me as honest.
- I am afraid I will get arrested if my red eyes make it seem like I'm taking drugs in the park at night. So my choices around »how to respond to the police officer's questions« are being guided by honesty as a strategy to avoid that anti-goal.
I'm convinced I'll get better outcomes if I am honest with myself.
- I'm afraid I might fool myself into thinking I need things I don't, and end up in bankruptcy. So my choices about »how to make my budget« are guided by honesty as a strategy to avoid that anti-goal.
Step 3: Explore the 🌳 Personal Value
It's time to reflect on the situation in a new light. Some way of being / treating people / approaching things was being crowded out by outcomes or expectations. Explore the personal values that your emotions indicate.
Expectations and Outcomes are extrinsic motivators. But personal values are intrinsically motivating—guiding your attention down a path, and make the most inherently worthwhile choices stand out.
Start by reflecting on what way of being the emotion indicates
Find the emotion that came up on the list below and click on the toggle to find some questions. Challenging emotions point us towards values that were blocked, that we could not attend to, that were suppressed and so on.
You'll find several questions—pick the one that seems most helpful, and take notes.
Hint: If the emotion you wrote down does not match the emotions listed beneath, go for the one that is closest.
What's worth protecting?
What way of living is blocked?
What way of being has no space here?
Take Notes:
What's worth protecting?
What way of living is blocked?
What way of being is not safe to emerge?
What does this distract you from?
Take Notes:
What's worth protecting?
What way of living is blocked?
What way of being is not safe to emerge?
Take Notes:
What's worth protecting?
What way of living is threatened?
What way of being can you not bear to give up on?
Take Notes:
What's worth protecting?
What way of living is threatened?
What way of being can you not bear to give up on?
Take Notes:
What's worth protecting?
What way of living is threatened?
Take Notes:
What's worth recovering?
What way of living is overridden?
What value did you fail to live by?
Take Notes:
What's worth recovering?
What way of living did you neglect?
Take Notes:
What's worth recovering?
What way of living did you neglect?
What did you fail to prioritise?
Take Notes:
What's worth recovering?
What way of living did you give up on?
What do you no longer trust yourself with?
Take Notes:
What's worth honoring?
What way of living is lost for now?
What way of living has become impossible?
Take Notes:
What is worth protecting?
What way of living is violated?
Take Notes:
What's worth recovering?
What way of living is estranged?
Take Notes:
What is worth protecting?
What way of living is violated?
Take Notes:
What is worth protecting?
What way of living is violated?
Take Notes:
What's worth honoring?
What way of living is lost for now?
What way of living has become impossible?
Take Notes:
What's worth honoring?
What way of living is lost for now?
What way of living has become impossible?
Take Notes:
What's worth honoring?
What way of living is lost for now?
What way of living has become impossible?
Take Notes:
What's worth recentering around?
What way of living is out of focus?
What way of living do you not know how to bring to this?
What ways of living seem to be in conflict with each other?
Take Notes:
What's worth recentering around?
What way of living is out of focus?
What way of living do you not know how to bring to this?
What ways of living seem to be in conflict with each other?
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living is unsafe to emerge?
What's worth identifying?
What way of living would allow the above emerge?
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living is unsafe to emerge?
What's worth identifying?
What way of living would allow the above emerge?
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living is unsafe to emerge?
What's worth identifying?
What way of living would allow the above emerge?
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living is unsafe to emerge?
What's worth identifying?
What way of living would allow the above emerge?
Take Notes:
What's worth demoting?
What way of living doesn't make sense anymore?
What's worth embracing?
What way of living will save the above?
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living seems impossible?
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living seems impossible?
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living seems impossible?
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living seems impossible?
Take Notes:
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living seems impossible?
Take Notes:
And if you are up for it, ask yourself even more questions:
Can you think of someone who would have handled this situation well? How would they have approached it? (admiration)
When you think back, what advice would you give yourself in that situation? (reflection)
If you would ignore outcomes and expectations above, what way of approaching things or treating people would have seemed worthwhile anyway? (appreciation)
Then, using all of the information above, capture your wisdom by formulating an awareness-guiding "personal value phrase":
Hint: search for the "heart-opening, deeply relaxing yes" in your body when you formulate it.
🌳
From the example emotion story above (at the grocery store):
🌳 look for opportunities to connect with the people you happen to be around right now
Other example value phrases:
- 🌳 explore the complexity (and often absurdity) of how you and others view the situation, and how your desires and feelings interact
- 🌳 when receiving critical feedback, search for what the person is telling you is important to them, and honor that as sacred
- 🌳 notice the emotional state of the person in front of you, and how you feel about the relationship; use that information to respond to the moment
- 🌳 speak about the physical sensations in your body as well as the needs, fears, and desires that they seem to indicate