Think of a way you try to be. Maybe you try to be generous, kind, helpful or a good listener. Whatever it is, write it down here:
Using the word above, answer these questions one at a time. (slowly works best)
1) To seem this way to others, I've been:
2) But on my own terms, being this way means being:
3) And people I admire for being this way inspire me because they are:
We'll start with an introspection about emotions and ways of being today.
What was the emotional lowpoint of my day today?
Now let's refine the value from the second question (how you were not able to be) to make sure that it isn't polluted with goals/fears or expectations.
- Is it a broad abstract term (like community, productivity, creativity, success, social justice, responsibility, empathy, ending oppression, masculinity, femininity)? Then it might be a bundle of concepts. You can narrow it down by asking how you would try to be this way on your own terms. Otherwise, continue on to the next bullet point.
- Would it still be worth doing independent of the outcome? If so, continue to the next bullet point. If not, it's a goal or fear! Take notes below.
Think of a way you try to be. Maybe you try to be generous, kind, helpful or a good listener. Whatever it is, write it down here:
Using the word above, answer these questions one at a time. (slowly works best)
1) To seem this way to others, I've been:
2) But on my own terms, being this way means being:
3) And people I admire for being this way inspire me because they are:
Use your answers to 2) and 3) to continue.
"How would I want to approach things/treat people/etc. if I couldn't affect the outcome?"
- Would still be worth doing if no one knew you did it? If so, continue to the next question. If not, it's a social norm. Take notes below.
- Do you believe you could still be a good person even if you failed to be this way? If so, continue to the next bullet point. If not, it's an internalized social norm. Take notes below.
- Would it still be worth being this way if no one else ever joined in? If so, (after all the questions above) it's probably a value! If not, it’s an ideological commitment. Take notes below.
"How would I want to approach things/treat people/etc. if no one noticed?"
"How would I want to approach things/treat people/etc. if there were no rules?"
"How would I want to approach things/treat people/etc. if I couldn't influence anyone?
Write your clarified 🌳 Personal Value here:
Imagine that you had to give an actor instructions on how to be the way you are being when you are living by your personal value. Write out your thoughts in a paragraph (stream of consciousness is fine) on how they should do that.
Now boil those thoughts down into one sentence that the actor should hold in their mind.
Write your specified 🌳 Personal Value in the box below starting with:
approach things ___, treat people ___, act ___, keep things ___, live life ____
Think of a way you try to be. Maybe you try to be generous, kind, helpful or a good listener. Whatever it is, write it down here:
Using the word above, answer these questions one at a time. (slowly works best)
1) To seem this way to others, I've been:
2) But on my own terms, being this way means being:
Now choose a word from the "on my own terms" box (above), and answer these questions:
1) To seem this way to others, I've been:
2) But on my own terms, being this way means being:
Now choose a word from the "on my own terms" box (above), and answer these questions:
1) To seem this way to others, I've been:
2) But on my own terms, being this way means being:
Now choose a word from the "on my own terms" box (above), and answer these questions:
1) To seem this way to others, I've been:
2) But on my own terms, being this way means being:
Now choose a word from the "on my own terms" box (above), and answer these questions:
1) To seem this way to others, I've been:
2) But on my own terms, being this way means being:
You should be starting to get a "feel" for the difference between social performance and personal values. Once you can quickly sort yourself out, you'll be better able to tell the difference in other people. We call that skill 🥂Values Empathy. If you're not there yet, repeat this meditation a few times on a piece of paper.
Write your 🌳 Personal Value as a phrase here:
Step 1: Come up with potential Hard Steps
Allow yourself to come up with many potential hard steps. You'll have time to select and refine later.
- What is hard about living by this value?
- Which challenging action do you have to take to live by this value?
- Where do your attempts to live by this value break down? What is it, that is hard to do?
- Noticing—Noticing an internal or external stimulus, Attending to something, Tracking something.
- Feeling—Noticing, Identifying the emotion, Disentangling the immediate cause and associated beliefs.
- Focusing—Noticing, Selecting what to focus on, Attending to Something, Shifting focus, Tracking something over time, Keeping in mind, Staying in Touch with, Not getting distracted.
- Recognizing, Identifying—Noticing an internal or external stimulus, Having a Referent (e.g. previous experience with the thing I am trying to identify)
- Gathering information, Finding out—Discovering, Investigating, Scanning for—Knowing what you need (to know, to look out for), Gaining access, Interpreting what you learn.
- Remembering, Recalling—Remembering how to do something or explicit knowledge, Having gained that knowledge, Remembering to remember.
- Generating, imagining alternatives (creativity)
- Assessing, discerning—Assessing, Evaluating, Discerning, Telling whether, Separating, Identifying.
- Deciding, Weighing, Choosing—Trading off, Prioritising, Balancing more than one concern, Choosing the best ... (team, time, space)
- Modeling, Foreseeing—Modeling interactions, Stepping into the shoes of the other, Foreseeing consequences, Anticipating.
- Changing Situations and Games—Making space for, Creating, Getting, Finding, Arranging, Collecting, Building, Borrowing, Asking for support with, Pausing, Rearranging
- Social Skills—Negotiating, Listening, Asking, Understanding, Reminding, Providing support, Stepping into their shoes, Empathy
- Resources, Capacity, Experience—Setting yourself up ahead of time to do hard things later.
- Changing Course, Dealing with Setbacks—Accepting, Sitting with, Bearing, Knowing it's okay, Improvising, Stepping back, Aborting, Changing mental model, gear, lens.
- The (right) equipment (to) remember, identity, find, arrange, collect, build, borrow ❓Do you need a special kind of equipment? What’s hard to do about knowing what you need or getting those things?
- The (right) people (to) identify, gather, select, find, get on board, convince, build relationships with ❓Does this value require a specific person? If so, what’s hard to do about gathering people who fit the criteria? What’s hard to do about knowing where to find them? What kind of information would you need to tell if someone is right? What’s hard to do about gathering that information? ❓What would you need to set up long in advance?
- The (right) time and timing (to) identify, notice, make, schedule ❓Does the moment need to be right? What would you need to be able to tell if the moment is right? What’s hard to do about evaluating that?
- The (right) setting (to) imagine, find, identify, set up, make, negotiate, decorate ❓Is this value easier in a specific setting? If so, what’s hard to do about creating that setting? ❓Do you need a certain mood or situation? If so, what’s hard to do about setting that mood / getting into that situation?
- Current capacity and needs (physical, intellectual, emotional) (to) Assess, bolster, provide support, keep in mind, make space for, listen to, ask about ❓What do you need to be capable of handling as it unfolds? What is hard to do about that?
- Skills, ability (to) Assess, bolster, practice, grow, accommodate, keep in mind
- Current mood/emotions (to) Assess, make space for, acknowledge, change plans for, improvise, change gears, model, foresee, track, keep in mind ❓What do you need to be able to feel? What’s hard to do about that? What’s hard to do about knowing when you’re ready to handle and feel those things? ❓Do you need a certain mood? What’s hard to do about setting that mood? ❓Does this value require a person to be in a specific state? If so, what’s hard to do about getting people into that state? What kind of information would you need in order to tell if someone is in the right state? What’s hard to do about gathering that info? Is the state you/they need to be in fragile? What’s hard to do about getting yourself/others there?
- Limiting beliefs (to) notice, identify, name, process, make time for, sit with, keep in mind, not get drawn into
- Sense of safety, trust (to) Assess, reassure, call to mind, remember, remind, provide support, keep in mind, ask about ❓Are there reasons it might be unsafe to do this? What kind of information do you need to decide? What’s hard to do about figuring out whether it’s safe in this particular situation?
- How might they see and understand me (to) model, assess, step into their shoes, remember, ask about, listen to, adjust course
- Status, Relationship Durability, Communication, Willingness to cooperate (to) assess, take into account, change, remember, remind, track over time, change, ignore, make space for, address
- Other consequences living by this value might have (to) assess, accept, sit with, make space for, hear out, mitigate, prepare for, remember, change, ignore
Step 2: Screen and Pick
Go through the list of potential hard steps one by one.
Look at the list of checked items. Which three potential hard steps seem both really hard and essential in living by this value? Run those three through the next step.
Step 3: Refine and Final Check
Refine these potential hard steps. Check them against the checklist. You are done! 🎊