Hey there! Nathan again. In order to go on in HS101, you need to be able to articulate your own awareness-guiding personal value phrases and those of others. If you struggle, you'll need to keep training your skills in ❣️Emotions to Values and 💡Wisdom Interviews.
Note: This is not an arbitrary obstacle. Articulating clear, awareness-guiding personal values is the foundation of the rest of what you will learn in HS101.
Round 1: Digging for Personal Values
An Honesty Value
Use the tools at your disposal to articulate one of your personal values around "honesty"
1) To seem honest to others, I've been:
2) But on my own terms, being honest means being:
3) And people I admire for being honest inspire me because they are:
Step 1: Recall an situation in which you failed to be honest (and felt bad about it)
Ask yourself: What it was like for you to actually be in the situation? Where were you? Who were you with? What happened? What emotions came up? How did they manifest in your body? What did you see, touch, taste, smell? Picture being there as vividly as you can. Sketch the outline of the story here:
I was with my son at the grocery store. The lady in front of us was paying a rather large grocery bill with coins. It was taking forever. I felt frustrated. There was a tightness in my chest, and I was clenching my teeth. I just wanted to get out of there and get on with my day.
Step 2: Identify Outcomes and Expectations
Your awareness is always being guided in social situations. This step will help you create awaeness-guiding phrases that capture goals and expectations.
Note: Emotion stories are very diverse. There might not be certain outcomes or expectations. If that's the case, just skip that part. And don't judge the way you were thinking at the time. Just do a brain dump for now.
📈 Outcomes
What way did you think you had to be / how did you have to treat people or approach things in order to achieve something (a goal). Alternately, what way did you think you had to be / how did you have to treat people or approach things in order to avoid something? (an anti-goal)
From the example emotion story above (at the grocery store):
I wanted to be efficient and get through the line as quickly as possible.
Some Common "Outcome" Ways to Be
Adventurous / Capable / Clever / Creative / Deep / Dependable / Disciplined / Excited / Friendly / Generous / Genuine / Humorous / Happy / Inclusive / Kind / Knowledgable / Moderate / Modest / Patient / Professional / Punctual / Resourceful / Spiritual / Trustworthy /
Full-on Examples
At work, it pays off if other people think of me as productive so that I don't get fired.
I need to make sure I'm curious about my body so that I remain healthy.
As a renter, I need to keep things in working order so that I don't get evicted.
How is honesty guiding choices in terms of outcomes? (think, then click the ▶ toggle)
I believe it will pay off for other people to think of me as honest.
- I believe that if you see me as honest, you are more likely to invest in my startup. So my choices around »responding to questions« are being guided by honesty as a strategy to achieve that goal.
I'm convinced I'll get better outcomes if I am honest with myself.
- I believe that I have to be brutally honest with myself in order to be a great painter. So my choices about »how to make art« are guided by honesty as a strategy to acheive that goal.
I believe it will pay off for other people to think of me as honest.
- I am afraid I will get arrested if my red eyes make it seem like I'm taking drugs in the park at night. So my choices around »how to respond to the police officer's questions« are being guided by honesty as a strategy to avoid that anti-goal.
I'm convinced I'll get better outcomes if I am honest with myself.
- I'm afraid I might fool myself into thinking I need things I don't, and end up in bankruptcy. So my choices about »how to make my budget« are guided by honesty as a strategy to avoid that anti-goal.
We often have ideas (whether or not we have put them into words) about the way the world works. These ideas can guide our awareness. Find a phrase that makes your assumptions about how things work explicit:
From the example emotion story above (at the grocery store):
📈 get through boring tasks quickly so you can do things you enjoy
These stories are from the field guide. Click the ▶ toggle to review the stories if you want.
You want a certain outcome, so your mind focuses on this...
I produce worthless art, and convince myself that it's good. Like any painter worth her salt, if I'm not completely convinced about one of my works, I throw it in the trash.
- I believe that I have to be brutally honest with myself in order to be a great painter. So my choices about »how to make art« are guided by honesty as a strategy to acheive that goal.
I make a list of all of the things that I would like to have, and then strike out everything that I could possibly do without. If I don't do that, I'll go broke.
- I'm afraid I might fool myself into thinking I need things I don't, and end up in bankruptcy. So my choices about »how to make my budget« are guided by honesty as a strategy to avoid that anti-goal.
I'm in an important business meeting with investors. When questions about metrics come up, I decide to share the numbers, and make it clear that they are not all good.
- I believe that if you see me as honest, you are more likely to invest in my startup. So my choices around »responding to questions« are being guided by honesty as a strategy to achieve that goal.
A police officer stops me in the park late at night. When she asks me what's I'm doing there, and why my eyes are red, I blurt out the whole story of my breakup.
- I am afraid I will get arrested if my red eyes make it seem like I'm taking drugs in the park at night. So my choices around »how to respond to the police officer's questions« are being guided by honesty as a strategy to avoid that anti-goal.
💍 Meeting Expectations
What way did you have to be / how did you have to treat people or approach things in order to fit in, or so that someone/people would like you, or so you like yourself?
From the example emotion story above (at the grocery store):
💍 i need to stand quietly in line like everyone else
Some "Meeting Expectations" Words You Might Try
Adventurous / Capable / Clever / Creative / Deep / Dependable / Disciplined / Excited / Friendly / Generous / Genuine / Humorous / Happy / Inclusive / Kind / Knowledgable / Moderate / Modest / Patient / Professional / Punctual / Resourceful / Spiritual / Trustworthy
Full-on Examples
I want to be a good mother, so I've got to be caring.
All my friends know that I am the experimental one.
I learned from when I was a small boy that you have to be respectful of others.
How is honesty guiding choices in terms of expectations? (think, then click the ▶ toggle)
I am honest because I think my social role demands it.
- I see myself as a trusted journalist. So my choices around »how to write my stories« are being guided by honesty as a way of meeting expectations—behaving in a way that I believe will allow me to continue to function in my social role.
I am honest because I want other people to like and accept me.
- I am afraid my friends won't like and accept me if they think I am lying, i.e. not conforming to our group's standards. So my choices about »how to speak with my friends« are guided by honesty as a way of meeting expectations—social norms have been generated through consequences and pressure imposed by others.
I am honest because I need to like and accept myself.
- I want to think of myself as a good person. So my choices around »how to talk to customers« are being guided by honesty as a way of meeting expectations—an internalized image (derived from social norms) that I impose upon myself.
How was your brain is making sense of the situation? It's very likely that your understanding was non-verbal. But try to find a phrase that capture how your awareness was being guided:
From the example emotion story above (at the grocery store):
💍 hide your frustration from other people so they don't feel uncomfortable
These stories are from the field guide. Click the ▶ toggle to review the stories if you want.
In response to expectations, your mind focuses on this...
My readers know my column is three things: fast, accurate, and reliable. If they found out I'd made up any little detail of a story, they would lose all trust in me.
I am honest because I think my social role demands it.
- I see myself as a trusted journalist. So my choices around »how to write my stories« are being guided by honesty as a way of meeting expectations—behaving in a way that I believe will allow me to continue to function in my social role.
When it turned out that Joshua was lying, everyone just stopped hanging out with him. I'd never do what he did. I mean, you can't just go around making stuff up.
I am honest because I want other people to like and accept me.
- I am afraid my friends won't like and accept me if they think I am lying, i.e. not conforming to our group's standards. So my choices about »how to speak with my friends« are guided by honesty as a way of meeting expectations—social norms have been generated through consequences and pressure imposed by others.
There's nothing worse than being a a scumbag salesman, saying anything to get ahead. I always tell people exactly what I think, and let the chips fall where they may.
I am honest because I need to like and accept myself.
- I want to think of myself as a good person. So my choices around »how to talk to customers« are being guided by honesty as a way of meeting expectations—an internalized image (derived from social norms) that I impose upon myself.
🛃 Setting Expectations
What way did you have to be / how did you have to treat people or approach things in order to show someone/other peope how to act? (setting expectations)
Some "Social Modellling" Words You Might Try
Adventurous / Capable / Clever / Creative / Deep / Dependable / Disciplined / Enthusiastic about... / Friendly / Generous / Genuine / Humorous / Happy / Inclusive / Informed / Kind / Moderate / Modest / Patient / Professional / Punctual / Resourceful / Spiritual / Trustworthy
And how about these ideologies / social visions?
Most Religions (and in so many shades) / All Kinds of Patriotism / Alt-Right / Communitarianism / Conservatism / Fascism / Feminism / Liberalism / Marxism / Monogamy / Neoconservatism / Polyamory / Populism / Slow Food / Socialism / Veganism / Vegetarianism
Full-on Examples
Everyone should be emotionally resilient, just like I am.
All good / right-thinking people know they ought to be a patriotic Hungarian.
I'm going home for Christmas... My brother should be a good son, like me!
As a preacher, it's my responsibility to show my congregation how to be a pious Christian.
The world would be a better place if only everyone were non-religious.
From the example emotion story above (at the grocery store):
🛃 put my items on the belt, have my bags out and my debit card in hand
How is honesty guiding choices in terms of goals/fears? (think, then click the ▶ toggle)
I am honest in order to show you as an individual (or group) how to be.
- I want people working for me to own their mistakes. So my choices around »how to behave in meetings« are being guided by honesty as a way of setting expectations— modelling the behavior that I would like to see from others around me.
I am honest because I think that everyone needs to be that way.
- I believe that Radical Honesty is the right way for everyone to live. So my choices about »how to speak to others« are guided by honesty as an ideology—a way of setting expectations in terms of a vision for my whole social world.
How was your brain is making sense of the situation? It's very likely that your understanding was non-verbal. But try to find a phrase that capture how your awareness was being guided:
From the example emotion story above (at the grocery store):
🛃 multi-task to get your "turn" over in as little time as possible
These stories are from the field guide. Click the ▶ toggle to review the stories if you want.
In order to show others the way forward, you need to...
Whenever I make a mistake at the office, I bring it up immediately in the next meeting. It's not company policy, but as a manager, I need to demonstrate leadership.
I am honest in order to show you as an individual (or group) how to be.
- I want people working for me to own their mistakes. So my choices around »how to behave in meetings« are being guided by honesty as a way of setting expectations— modelling the behavior that I would like to see from others around me.
Everyone needs to read Brad Blanton's »Radical Honesty: How to Transform Your Life by Telling the Truth«. The world would be a better place if everyone stopped lying.
I am honest because I think that everyone needs to be that way.
- I believe that Radical Honesty is the right way for everyone to live. So my choices about »how to speak to others« are guided by honesty as an ideology—a way of setting expectations in terms of a vision for my whole social world.
Step 3: Explore the 🌳 Personal Value
There are so many choices you could make as you move through the world. Personal values guide your attention down a path, and make the most inherently worthwhile choices stand out.
It's time to reflect on the situation in a new light. Some way of being / treating people / approaching things was being crowded out by outcomes or expectations. Explore the personal values that your emotions indicate.
Start by reflecting on what the emotion points to with some questions
Find the emotion that came up on the list below and click on the toggle to find some questions. Challenging emotions point us towards values that were blocked, that we could not attend to, that were suppressed and so on.
You'll find several questions—pick the one that seems most helpful, and take notes.
Hint: If the emotion you wrote down does not match the emotions listed beneath, go for the one that is closest.
What's worth protecting?
What way of living is blocked?
What way of being has no space here?
Take Notes:
What's worth protecting?
What way of living is blocked?
What way of being is not safe to emerge?
Take Notes:
What's worth protecting?
What way of living is blocked?
What way of being is not safe to emerge?
Take Notes:
What's worth protecting?
What way of living is threatened?
What way of being can you not bear to give up on?
Take Notes:
What's worth protecting?
What way of living is threatened?
What way of being can you not bear to give up on?
Take Notes:
What's worth protecting?
What way of living is threatened?
Take Notes:
What's worth recovering?
What way of living is overridden?
What value did you fail to live by?
Take Notes:
What's worth recovering?
What way of living did you neglect?
Take Notes:
What's worth recovering?
What way of living did you neglect?
What did you fail to prioritise?
Take Notes:
What's worth recovering?
What way of living did you give up on?
What do you no longer trust yourself with?
Take Notes:
What's worth honoring?
What way of living is lost for now?
What way of living has become impossible?
Take Notes:
What is worth protecting?
What way of living is violated?
Take Notes:
What's worth recovering?
What way of living is estranged?
Take Notes:
What is worth protecting?
What way of living is violated?
Take Notes:
What is worth protecting?
What way of living is violated?
Take Notes:
What's worth honoring?
What way of living is lost for now?
What way of living has become impossible?
Take Notes:
What's worth honoring?
What way of living is lost for now?
What way of living has become impossible?
Take Notes:
What's worth honoring?
What way of living is lost for now?
What way of living has become impossible?
Take Notes:
What's worth recentering around?
What way of living is out of focus?
What way of living do you not know how to bring to this?
What ways of living seem to be in conflict with each other?
Take Notes:
What's worth recentering around?
What way of living is out of focus?
What way of living do you not know how to bring to this?
What ways of living seem to be in conflict with each other?
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living is unsafe to emerge?
What's worth identifying?
What way of living would allow the above emerge?
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living is unsafe to emerge?
What's worth identifying?
What way of living would allow the above emerge?
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living is unsafe to emerge?
What's worth identifying?
What way of living would allow the above emerge?
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living is unsafe to emerge?
What's worth identifying?
What way of living would allow the above emerge?
Take Notes:
What's worth demoting?
What way of living doesn't make sense anymore?
What's worth embracing?
What way of living will save the above?
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living seems impossible?
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living seems impossible?
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living seems impossible?
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living seems impossible?
Take Notes:
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living seems impossible?
Take Notes:
And if you are up for it, ask yourself even more questions:
Can you think of someone who would have handled this situation well? How would they have approached it? (appreciation)
When you think back, what advice would you give yourself in that situation? (reflection)
If you would ignore outcomes and expectations above, what way of approaching things or treating people would have seemed worthwhile anyway? (pure value)
Using all of the information above, capture your wisdom by formulating an awareness-guiding "personal value phrase":
🌳
From the example emotion story above (at the grocery store):
🌳 look for opportunities to connect with the people you happen to be around right now
- 🌳 explore the complexity (and often absurdity) of how you and others view the situation, and how your desires and feelings interact
- 🌳 receive critical feedback without becoming defensive. search for what the person is telling you is important to them, and honor that as sacred
- 🌳 notice the emotional state of the person in front of you, and how you feel about the relationship; use that information to respond to the moment
- 🌳 speak about the physical sensations in your body as well as the needs, fears, and desires that they seem to indicate
And don't forget to copy it into the Boss Level!
🏔️Starting a redesign project🌳 Personal Values can be located in direct experience and then formulated as a phrase. A well articulated value phrase guides your awareness in a way that is clear and allows you to improvise. Make sure your formulation is on point by asking the three questions below.
1) Does your phrase help you remember what to pay attention to?
Your 🌳 Personal Value needs to foreground relevant choices in a social environment. Ask yourself: What do I need to bring into awareness to in order to live by this value?
Use that information to rewrite the phrase and make those things stand out.
Finding a Better Formulation of a value around "criticizing people"
Once, I lost track of compassion and unloaded a really harsh critique on my friend. I ended up feeling embarrased and a bit disgusted with myself afterwards. But what does being compassionate mean for me? My first formulation might be something like this…
- "Criticize people in a way that doesn't upset them". This is clear, but doesn't show me where I should direct my awareness. (It's about a goal with other people).
- "Stay calm, and don't just say whatever comes to mind". This is decent advice. But it's about an internalized expectation, and doesn't focus my awareness on relevant choices.
- "Be compassionate". Again, it's not clear how I could approach the situation, or what potential choices should stand out. I can't design with this formulation of my value.
So I need to ask myself about what I need to notice and foreground to in order to live by this personal value. What aspects of the situation could guide my awareness in a way that is inherently worthwhile for me?
What I need to notice and foreground: That we're both human beings, and that I make mistakes all the time, and that I often don't handle things the way I would have wanted to
With this information, I can rewrite the Personal Value phrase to be awareness-guiding:
🌳 compassion: approach other people's faults in a way that is deeply mindful of your own imperfections, and how you often fail to meet your own standards or even make good sense
With this formulation, I can call to mind specific aspects of the situation (my own faults and shortcomings) that will help guide my awareness away from judging my friend too harshly and toward how I would feel good about relating, i.e., with this specific form of compassion.
2) Is your phrase 🥽 clear? (not vague, poetic, or a noun)
Value phrases can be too vague to be useful for design. Make sure your phrase names something specific enough that it could guide a person's choices.
How could you formulate this phrase so that a random person could fully understand it?
Be critical, and make sure that your phrasing is straightforward and difficult to misread.
Finding a Better Formulation of a value around "how to treat friends"
When life started blowing up because of the corona virus, community stood out as being important to me. But can I clearly communicate what about that is important? My first formulations might be something like this…
- "I value community". Imagine asking a theater director how you should play a friendship scene, and she says "community". Would you feel like you knew how to proceed? I think you see the problem.
- "As a rational being, answer the call of your moral duties to your social group". Often people will come up with a value that sounds interesting, poetic, or smart, but is actually so abstract that it doesn't matter to them in direct experience.
- "Stand by people figure as they figure things out". That's better, but what does "stand by people" or "figure things out" actually mean for me?
I need to ask myself if I understand what it is exaclty that I mean by my value. Does it just sound nice, or is it clear enough to be awareness guiding?
What I need to notice and foreground: Think outside the box, and find solutions that could arise from collective efforts that wouldn't have been available to any one of us alone
🌳 community: keep things creative when friends are facing hardships, address problems collectively, draw on the wealth of your communal talents
That value phrase is clear enough to form the basis of a good design.
3) Is your phrase an 💃🏽 improvisational directive? (not an instruction)
A value doesn't tell you what is going on or what to do about it. It's an improvisational directive that helps you recognize opportunities to be a certain way.
How would you tell an actor to approach a scene in which she lives by your personal value?
Finding a Better Formulation of a value around "being kind"
Standing outside of a club, one of my friends said she didn't know if it was a good idea for her to go dancing tonight. Another friend took her by the hand and said, "breathe with me, and feel into what's right for you." She decided it was best for her to go home and have some quiet rest, and he called a cab for her. I really admired how he handled the situation, and realized that it taught me a new 🌳 Personal Value. But how should I formulate it? Initially, it might look like...
- "Take people seriously". This points in the direction of something important, but also isn't actionable. It doesn't show me a way to proceed.
- "Don't push people to do things they don't want to do". This might be capturing what inspires me when I reflect on the experience. But how would I improvise around that?
- "Recognize that other people know what's best for them". This is closer, and also in the direction of something important. But it doesn't remind me how to be in a situation.
I need to ask myself about what I need to notice and foreground to in order to live by this personal value. What aspects of the situation could guide my awareness in a way that is inherently worthwhile for me?
How would you tell an actor to approach a scene in which she lives by your personal value?
Listen closely to the people around you. Are they uncomfortable? If so, help them feel through that discomfort. What would be the best thing for them to do right now? How can you help?
With this information, I can rewrite the Personal Value phrase to be awareness-guiding:
🌳 kindness: support the people around you in discovering and enacting their best understanding of what self-care would be in this situation
That value phrase can serve as a north star when navigating a lot of different circumstances. Rather than telling me exactly what to do, it allows me to improvise. That also makes this phrase useful for values-based design.
🌳 honesty:
Don't forget that personal values are clear, awareness-guiding improvisational directives.
Round 2: Finding Values Moment to Moment
Impulses/Appreciations to Values
Clear your mind with a few deep breaths. Then sit quietly for a minute or two and write down three things that you notice wanting to do (impulses) or that are beautiful or inspiring to you right now (appreciations).
#1
#2
#3
Now use whatever method seems appropriate to you (on my own terms, emotions to values, intuition, journaling, etc.) to find the personal value phrases that lie behind theses small experiences. Make sure to filter out expectations and outcomes!
🌳 #1
🌳 #2
🌳 #3
Round 3: Starting a Redesign Project
Step One
To use the Human Systems 📚Redesign Method, you must start with two things: (1) a social process you want to redesign, and (2) a set of suppressed values in the current design. For instance you could redesign...
Social Processes You Could Redesign
A social process is something a group of people do that can be described as a game: composed of roles, rules, and steps, where it goes roughly the same way every time. For your first redesign, we will focus on smaller scale systems.
Room-scale
Group practices party formats, bars, clubs, debate structures, group therapy or support practices, church meetings, improv scores
Family & shared living family dinner, chores, partnership expectations, parent-child time
Rituals daily practices, weddings, funerals, coming of age, new team members, trials
Org-scale
Organizational policies promotions reviews, project planning meetings, budget allocation, stand-ups, reporting structures
Workplaces team checkins, lunches, group physical activities
Schools grading, classroom exercises, teamwork structures, credentialing practices
The First Human System I Will Redesign Is:
Step Two
Identify Three Suppressed Values:
In order to move past the Personal Values boss level, you'll need to gather three suppressed values from the system above. It's probably best to use ❣️Emotions to Values.
Articulate at least one personal value of your own, and at least one from another person.
List the personal values below and let me know when you're ready to submit them for review.
Personal Value #1
🌳
Expectations and Outcomes that crowd it out:
💍🛃📈
Step 1: An Emotion Story in this Human System
Ask yourself: What it was like for you to actually be in the situation? Where were you? Who were you with? What happened? What emotions came up? How did they manifest in your body? What did you see, touch, taste, smell? Picture being there as vividly as you can. Sketch the outline of the story here:
I was with my son at the grocery store. The lady in front of us was paying a rather large grocery bill with coins. It was taking forever. I felt frustrated. There was a tightness in my chest, and I was clenching my teeth. I just wanted to get out of there and get on with my day.
Step 2: Identify Expectations and Outcomes
Your awareness is always being guided in social situations. This step will help you create awaeness-guiding phrases that capture goals and expectations.
Note: Emotion stories are very diverse. There might not be certain outcomes or expectations. If that's the case, just skip that part. And don't judge the way you were thinking at the time. Just do a brain dump for now.
💍 Meeting Expectations
What way did you have to be / how did you have to treat people or approach things in order to fit in, or so that someone/people would like you, or so you like yourself?
From the example emotion story above (at the grocery store):
💍 i need to stand quietly in line like everyone else
Some "Meeting Expectations" Words You Might Try
Adventurous / Capable / Clever / Creative / Deep / Dependable / Disciplined / Excited / Friendly / Generous / Genuine / Humorous / Happy / Inclusive / Kind / Knowledgable / Moderate / Modest / Patient / Professional / Punctual / Resourceful / Spiritual / Trustworthy
Full-on Examples
I want to be a good mother, so I've got to be caring.
All my friends know that I am the experimental one.
I learned from when I was a small boy that you have to be respectful of others.
How is honesty guiding choices in terms of expectations? (think, then click the ▶ toggle)
I am honest because I think my social role demands it.
- I see myself as a trusted journalist. So my choices around »how to write my stories« are being guided by honesty as a way of meeting expectations—behaving in a way that I believe will allow me to continue to function in my social role.
I am honest because I want other people to like and accept me.
- I am afraid my friends won't like and accept me if they think I am lying, i.e. not conforming to our group's standards. So my choices about »how to speak with my friends« are guided by honesty as a way of meeting expectations—social norms have been generated through consequences and pressure imposed by others.
I am honest because I need to like and accept myself.
- I want to think of myself as a good person. So my choices around »how to talk to customers« are being guided by honesty as a way of meeting expectations—an internalized image (derived from social norms) that I impose upon myself.
How was your brain is making sense of the situation? It's very likely that your understanding was non-verbal. But try to find a phrase that capture how your awareness was being guided:
From the example emotion story above (at the grocery store):
💍 hide your frustration from other people so they don't feel uncomfortable
These stories are from the field guide. Click the ▶ toggle to review the stories if you want.
In response to expectations, your mind focuses on this...
My readers know my column is three things: fast, accurate, and reliable. If they found out I'd made up any little detail of a story, they would lose all trust in me.
I am honest because I think my social role demands it.
- I see myself as a trusted journalist. So my choices around »how to write my stories« are being guided by honesty as a way of meeting expectations—behaving in a way that I believe will allow me to continue to function in my social role.
When it turned out that Joshua was lying, everyone just stopped hanging out with him. I'd never do what he did. I mean, you can't just go around making stuff up.
I am honest because I want other people to like and accept me.
- I am afraid my friends won't like and accept me if they think I am lying, i.e. not conforming to our group's standards. So my choices about »how to speak with my friends« are guided by honesty as a way of meeting expectations—social norms have been generated through consequences and pressure imposed by others.
There's nothing worse than being a a scumbag salesman, saying anything to get ahead. I always tell people exactly what I think, and let the chips fall where they may.
I am honest because I need to like and accept myself.
- I want to think of myself as a good person. So my choices around »how to talk to customers« are being guided by honesty as a way of meeting expectations—an internalized image (derived from social norms) that I impose upon myself.
🛃 Setting Expectations
What way did you have to be / how did you have to treat people or approach things in order to show someone/other peope how to act? (setting expectations)
Some "Social Modellling" Words You Might Try
Adventurous / Capable / Clever / Creative / Deep / Dependable / Disciplined / Enthusiastic about... / Friendly / Generous / Genuine / Humorous / Happy / Inclusive / Informed / Kind / Moderate / Modest / Patient / Professional / Punctual / Resourceful / Spiritual / Trustworthy
And how about these ideologies / social visions?
Most Religions (and in so many shades) / All Kinds of Patriotism / Alt-Right / Communitarianism / Conservatism / Fascism / Feminism / Liberalism / Marxism / Monogamy / Neoconservatism / Polyamory / Populism / Slow Food / Socialism / Veganism / Vegetarianism
Full-on Examples
Everyone should be emotionally resilient, just like I am.
All good / right-thinking people know they ought to be a patriotic Hungarian.
I'm going home for Christmas... My brother should be a good son, like me!
As a preacher, it's my responsibility to show my congregation how to be a pious Christian.
The world would be a better place if only everyone were non-religious.
From the example emotion story above (at the grocery store):
🛃 put my items on the belt, have my bags out and my debit card in hand
How is honesty guiding choices in terms of goals/fears? (think, then click the ▶ toggle)
I am honest in order to show you as an individual (or group) how to be.
- I want people working for me to own their mistakes. So my choices around »how to behave in meetings« are being guided by honesty as a way of setting expectations— modelling the behavior that I would like to see from others around me.
I am honest because I think that everyone needs to be that way.
- I believe that Radical Honesty is the right way for everyone to live. So my choices about »how to speak to others« are guided by honesty as an ideology—a way of setting expectations in terms of a vision for my whole social world.
How was your brain is making sense of the situation? It's very likely that your understanding was non-verbal. But try to find a phrase that capture how your awareness was being guided:
From the example emotion story above (at the grocery store):
🛃 multi-task to get your "turn" over in as little time as possible
These stories are from the field guide. Click the ▶ toggle to review the stories if you want.
In order to show others the way forward, you need to...
Whenever I make a mistake at the office, I bring it up immediately in the next meeting. It's not company policy, but as a manager, I need to demonstrate leadership.
I am honest in order to show you as an individual (or group) how to be.
- I want people working for me to own their mistakes. So my choices around »how to behave in meetings« are being guided by honesty as a way of setting expectations— modelling the behavior that I would like to see from others around me.
Everyone needs to read Brad Blanton's »Radical Honesty: How to Transform Your Life by Telling the Truth«. The world would be a better place if everyone stopped lying.
I am honest because I think that everyone needs to be that way.
- I believe that Radical Honesty is the right way for everyone to live. So my choices about »how to speak to others« are guided by honesty as an ideology—a way of setting expectations in terms of a vision for my whole social world.
📈 Other Practical Outcomes
What way did you think you had to be / how did you have to treat people or approach things in order to achieve something (a goal). Alternately, what way did you think you had to be / how did you have to treat people or approach things in order to avoid something? (an anti-goal)
From the example emotion story above (at the grocery store):
I wanted to be efficient and get through the line as quickly as possible.
Some Common "Outcome" Ways to Be
Adventurous / Capable / Clever / Creative / Deep / Dependable / Disciplined / Excited / Friendly / Generous / Genuine / Humorous / Happy / Inclusive / Kind / Knowledgable / Moderate / Modest / Patient / Professional / Punctual / Resourceful / Spiritual / Trustworthy /
Full-on Examples
At work, it pays off if other people think of me as productive so that I don't get fired.
I need to make sure I'm curious about my body so that I remain healthy.
As a renter, I need to keep things in working order so that I don't get evicted.
How is honesty guiding choices in terms of outcomes? (think, then click the ▶ toggle)
I believe it will pay off for other people to think of me as honest.
- I believe that if you see me as honest, you are more likely to invest in my startup. So my choices around »responding to questions« are being guided by honesty as a strategy to achieve that goal.
I'm convinced I'll get better outcomes if I am honest with myself.
- I believe that I have to be brutally honest with myself in order to be a great painter. So my choices about »how to make art« are guided by honesty as a strategy to acheive that goal.
I believe it will pay off for other people to think of me as honest.
- I am afraid I will get arrested if my red eyes make it seem like I'm taking drugs in the park at night. So my choices around »how to respond to the police officer's questions« are being guided by honesty as a strategy to avoid that anti-goal.
I'm convinced I'll get better outcomes if I am honest with myself.
- I'm afraid I might fool myself into thinking I need things I don't, and end up in bankruptcy. So my choices about »how to make my budget« are guided by honesty as a strategy to avoid that anti-goal.
We often have ideas (whether or not we have put them into words) about the way the world works. These ideas can guide our awareness. Find a phrase that makes your assumptions about how things work explicit:
From the example emotion story above (at the grocery store):
📈 get through boring tasks quickly so you can do things you enjoy
These stories are from the field guide. Click the ▶ toggle to review the stories if you want.
You want a certain outcome, so your mind focuses on this...
I produce worthless art, and convince myself that it's good. Like any painter worth her salt, if I'm not completely convinced about one of my works, I throw it in the trash.
- I believe that I have to be brutally honest with myself in order to be a great painter. So my choices about »how to make art« are guided by honesty as a strategy to acheive that goal.
I make a list of all of the things that I would like to have, and then strike out everything that I could possibly do without. If I don't do that, I'll go broke.
- I'm afraid I might fool myself into thinking I need things I don't, and end up in bankruptcy. So my choices about »how to make my budget« are guided by honesty as a strategy to avoid that anti-goal.
I'm in an important business meeting with investors. When questions about metrics come up, I decide to share the numbers, and make it clear that they are not all good.
- I believe that if you see me as honest, you are more likely to invest in my startup. So my choices around »responding to questions« are being guided by honesty as a strategy to achieve that goal.
A police officer stops me in the park late at night. When she asks me what's I'm doing there, and why my eyes are red, I blurt out the whole story of my breakup.
- I am afraid I will get arrested if my red eyes make it seem like I'm taking drugs in the park at night. So my choices around »how to respond to the police officer's questions« are being guided by honesty as a strategy to avoid that anti-goal.
Step 3: Explore the 🌳 Personal Value
There are so many choices you could make as you move through the world. Personal values guide your attention down a path, and make the most inherently worthwhile choices stand out.
It's time to reflect on the situation in a new light. Some way of being / treating people / approaching things was being crowded out by outcomes or expectations. Explore the personal values that your emotions indicate.
Start by reflecting on what the emotion points to with some questions
Find the emotion that came up on the list below and click on the toggle to find some questions. Challenging emotions point us towards values that were blocked, that we could not attend to, that were suppressed and so on.
You'll find several questions—pick the one that seems most helpful, and take notes.
Hint: If the emotion you wrote down does not match the emotions listed beneath, go for the one that is closest.
What's worth protecting?
What way of living is blocked?
What way of being has no space here?
Take Notes:
What's worth protecting?
What way of living is blocked?
What way of being is not safe to emerge?
Take Notes:
What's worth protecting?
What way of living is blocked?
What way of being is not safe to emerge?
Take Notes:
What's worth protecting?
What way of living is threatened?
What way of being can you not bear to give up on?
Take Notes:
What's worth protecting?
What way of living is threatened?
What way of being can you not bear to give up on?
Take Notes:
What's worth protecting?
What way of living is threatened?
Take Notes:
What's worth recovering?
What way of living is overridden?
What value did you fail to live by?
Take Notes:
What's worth recovering?
What way of living did you neglect?
Take Notes:
What's worth recovering?
What way of living did you neglect?
What did you fail to prioritise?
Take Notes:
What's worth recovering?
What way of living did you give up on?
What do you no longer trust yourself with?
Take Notes:
What's worth honoring?
What way of living is lost for now?
What way of living has become impossible?
Take Notes:
What is worth protecting?
What way of living is violated?
Take Notes:
What's worth recovering?
What way of living is estranged?
Take Notes:
What is worth protecting?
What way of living is violated?
Take Notes:
What is worth protecting?
What way of living is violated?
Take Notes:
What's worth honoring?
What way of living is lost for now?
What way of living has become impossible?
Take Notes:
What's worth honoring?
What way of living is lost for now?
What way of living has become impossible?
Take Notes:
What's worth honoring?
What way of living is lost for now?
What way of living has become impossible?
Take Notes:
What's worth recentering around?
What way of living is out of focus?
What way of living do you not know how to bring to this?
What ways of living seem to be in conflict with each other?
Take Notes:
What's worth recentering around?
What way of living is out of focus?
What way of living do you not know how to bring to this?
What ways of living seem to be in conflict with each other?
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living is unsafe to emerge?
What's worth identifying?
What way of living would allow the above emerge?
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living is unsafe to emerge?
What's worth identifying?
What way of living would allow the above emerge?
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living is unsafe to emerge?
What's worth identifying?
What way of living would allow the above emerge?
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living is unsafe to emerge?
What's worth identifying?
What way of living would allow the above emerge?
Take Notes:
What's worth demoting?
What way of living doesn't make sense anymore?
What's worth embracing?
What way of living will save the above?
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living seems impossible?
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living seems impossible?
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living seems impossible?
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living seems impossible?
Take Notes:
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living seems impossible?
Take Notes:
And if you are up for it, ask yourself even more questions:
Can you think of someone who would have handled this situation well? How would they have approached it? (appreciation)
When you think back, what advice would you give yourself in that situation? (reflection)
If you would ignore outcomes and expectations above, what way of approaching things or treating people would have seemed worthwhile anyway? (pure value)
Using all of the information above, capture your wisdom by formulating an awareness-guiding "personal value phrase":
🌳
From the example emotion story above (at the grocery store):
🌳 look for opportunities to connect with the people you happen to be around right now
- 🌳 explore the complexity (and often absurdity) of how you and others view the situation, and how your desires and feelings interact
- 🌳 receive critical feedback without becoming defensive. search for what the person is telling you is important to them, and honor that as sacred
- 🌳 notice the emotional state of the person in front of you, and how you feel about the relationship; use that information to respond to the moment
- 🌳 speak about the physical sensations in your body as well as the needs, fears, and desires that they seem to indicate
And don't forget to copy it above!
Personal Value #2
🌳
Expectations and Outcomes that crowd it out:
💍🛃📈
Step 1: An Emotion Story in this Human System
Ask yourself: What it was like for you to actually be in the situation? Where were you? Who were you with? What happened? What emotions came up? How did they manifest in your body? What did you see, touch, taste, smell? Picture being there as vividly as you can. Sketch the outline of the story here:
I was with my son at the grocery store. The lady in front of us was paying a rather large grocery bill with coins. It was taking forever. I felt frustrated. There was a tightness in my chest, and I was clenching my teeth. I just wanted to get out of there and get on with my day.
Step 2: Identify Expectations and Outcomes
Your awareness is always being guided in social situations. This step will help you create awaeness-guiding phrases that capture goals and expectations.
Note: Emotion stories are very diverse. There might not be certain outcomes or expectations. If that's the case, just skip that part. And don't judge the way you were thinking at the time. Just do a brain dump for now.
💍 Meeting Expectations
What way did you have to be / how did you have to treat people or approach things in order to fit in, or so that someone/people would like you, or so you like yourself?
From the example emotion story above (at the grocery store):
💍 i need to stand quietly in line like everyone else
Some "Meeting Expectations" Words You Might Try
Adventurous / Capable / Clever / Creative / Deep / Dependable / Disciplined / Excited / Friendly / Generous / Genuine / Humorous / Happy / Inclusive / Kind / Knowledgable / Moderate / Modest / Patient / Professional / Punctual / Resourceful / Spiritual / Trustworthy
Full-on Examples
I want to be a good mother, so I've got to be caring.
All my friends know that I am the experimental one.
I learned from when I was a small boy that you have to be respectful of others.
How is honesty guiding choices in terms of expectations? (think, then click the ▶ toggle)
I am honest because I think my social role demands it.
- I see myself as a trusted journalist. So my choices around »how to write my stories« are being guided by honesty as a way of meeting expectations—behaving in a way that I believe will allow me to continue to function in my social role.
I am honest because I want other people to like and accept me.
- I am afraid my friends won't like and accept me if they think I am lying, i.e. not conforming to our group's standards. So my choices about »how to speak with my friends« are guided by honesty as a way of meeting expectations—social norms have been generated through consequences and pressure imposed by others.
I am honest because I need to like and accept myself.
- I want to think of myself as a good person. So my choices around »how to talk to customers« are being guided by honesty as a way of meeting expectations—an internalized image (derived from social norms) that I impose upon myself.
How was your brain is making sense of the situation? It's very likely that your understanding was non-verbal. But try to find a phrase that capture how your awareness was being guided:
From the example emotion story above (at the grocery store):
💍 hide your frustration from other people so they don't feel uncomfortable
These stories are from the field guide. Click the ▶ toggle to review the stories if you want.
In response to expectations, your mind focuses on this...
My readers know my column is three things: fast, accurate, and reliable. If they found out I'd made up any little detail of a story, they would lose all trust in me.
I am honest because I think my social role demands it.
- I see myself as a trusted journalist. So my choices around »how to write my stories« are being guided by honesty as a way of meeting expectations—behaving in a way that I believe will allow me to continue to function in my social role.
When it turned out that Joshua was lying, everyone just stopped hanging out with him. I'd never do what he did. I mean, you can't just go around making stuff up.
I am honest because I want other people to like and accept me.
- I am afraid my friends won't like and accept me if they think I am lying, i.e. not conforming to our group's standards. So my choices about »how to speak with my friends« are guided by honesty as a way of meeting expectations—social norms have been generated through consequences and pressure imposed by others.
There's nothing worse than being a a scumbag salesman, saying anything to get ahead. I always tell people exactly what I think, and let the chips fall where they may.
I am honest because I need to like and accept myself.
- I want to think of myself as a good person. So my choices around »how to talk to customers« are being guided by honesty as a way of meeting expectations—an internalized image (derived from social norms) that I impose upon myself.
🛃 Setting Expectations
What way did you have to be / how did you have to treat people or approach things in order to show someone/other peope how to act? (setting expectations)
Some "Social Modellling" Words You Might Try
Adventurous / Capable / Clever / Creative / Deep / Dependable / Disciplined / Enthusiastic about... / Friendly / Generous / Genuine / Humorous / Happy / Inclusive / Informed / Kind / Moderate / Modest / Patient / Professional / Punctual / Resourceful / Spiritual / Trustworthy
And how about these ideologies / social visions?
Most Religions (and in so many shades) / All Kinds of Patriotism / Alt-Right / Communitarianism / Conservatism / Fascism / Feminism / Liberalism / Marxism / Monogamy / Neoconservatism / Polyamory / Populism / Slow Food / Socialism / Veganism / Vegetarianism
Full-on Examples
Everyone should be emotionally resilient, just like I am.
All good / right-thinking people know they ought to be a patriotic Hungarian.
I'm going home for Christmas... My brother should be a good son, like me!
As a preacher, it's my responsibility to show my congregation how to be a pious Christian.
The world would be a better place if only everyone were non-religious.
From the example emotion story above (at the grocery store):
🛃 put my items on the belt, have my bags out and my debit card in hand
How is honesty guiding choices in terms of goals/fears? (think, then click the ▶ toggle)
I am honest in order to show you as an individual (or group) how to be.
- I want people working for me to own their mistakes. So my choices around »how to behave in meetings« are being guided by honesty as a way of setting expectations— modelling the behavior that I would like to see from others around me.
I am honest because I think that everyone needs to be that way.
- I believe that Radical Honesty is the right way for everyone to live. So my choices about »how to speak to others« are guided by honesty as an ideology—a way of setting expectations in terms of a vision for my whole social world.
How was your brain is making sense of the situation? It's very likely that your understanding was non-verbal. But try to find a phrase that capture how your awareness was being guided:
From the example emotion story above (at the grocery store):
🛃 multi-task to get your "turn" over in as little time as possible
These stories are from the field guide. Click the ▶ toggle to review the stories if you want.
In order to show others the way forward, you need to...
Whenever I make a mistake at the office, I bring it up immediately in the next meeting. It's not company policy, but as a manager, I need to demonstrate leadership.
I am honest in order to show you as an individual (or group) how to be.
- I want people working for me to own their mistakes. So my choices around »how to behave in meetings« are being guided by honesty as a way of setting expectations— modelling the behavior that I would like to see from others around me.
Everyone needs to read Brad Blanton's »Radical Honesty: How to Transform Your Life by Telling the Truth«. The world would be a better place if everyone stopped lying.
I am honest because I think that everyone needs to be that way.
- I believe that Radical Honesty is the right way for everyone to live. So my choices about »how to speak to others« are guided by honesty as an ideology—a way of setting expectations in terms of a vision for my whole social world.
📈 Other Practical Outcomes
What way did you think you had to be / how did you have to treat people or approach things in order to achieve something (a goal). Alternately, what way did you think you had to be / how did you have to treat people or approach things in order to avoid something? (an anti-goal)
From the example emotion story above (at the grocery store):
I wanted to be efficient and get through the line as quickly as possible.
Some Common "Outcome" Ways to Be
Adventurous / Capable / Clever / Creative / Deep / Dependable / Disciplined / Excited / Friendly / Generous / Genuine / Humorous / Happy / Inclusive / Kind / Knowledgable / Moderate / Modest / Patient / Professional / Punctual / Resourceful / Spiritual / Trustworthy /
Full-on Examples
At work, it pays off if other people think of me as productive so that I don't get fired.
I need to make sure I'm curious about my body so that I remain healthy.
As a renter, I need to keep things in working order so that I don't get evicted.
How is honesty guiding choices in terms of outcomes? (think, then click the ▶ toggle)
I believe it will pay off for other people to think of me as honest.
- I believe that if you see me as honest, you are more likely to invest in my startup. So my choices around »responding to questions« are being guided by honesty as a strategy to achieve that goal.
I'm convinced I'll get better outcomes if I am honest with myself.
- I believe that I have to be brutally honest with myself in order to be a great painter. So my choices about »how to make art« are guided by honesty as a strategy to acheive that goal.
I believe it will pay off for other people to think of me as honest.
- I am afraid I will get arrested if my red eyes make it seem like I'm taking drugs in the park at night. So my choices around »how to respond to the police officer's questions« are being guided by honesty as a strategy to avoid that anti-goal.
I'm convinced I'll get better outcomes if I am honest with myself.
- I'm afraid I might fool myself into thinking I need things I don't, and end up in bankruptcy. So my choices about »how to make my budget« are guided by honesty as a strategy to avoid that anti-goal.
We often have ideas (whether or not we have put them into words) about the way the world works. These ideas can guide our awareness. Find a phrase that makes your assumptions about how things work explicit:
From the example emotion story above (at the grocery store):
📈 get through boring tasks quickly so you can do things you enjoy
These stories are from the field guide. Click the ▶ toggle to review the stories if you want.
You want a certain outcome, so your mind focuses on this...
I produce worthless art, and convince myself that it's good. Like any painter worth her salt, if I'm not completely convinced about one of my works, I throw it in the trash.
- I believe that I have to be brutally honest with myself in order to be a great painter. So my choices about »how to make art« are guided by honesty as a strategy to acheive that goal.
I make a list of all of the things that I would like to have, and then strike out everything that I could possibly do without. If I don't do that, I'll go broke.
- I'm afraid I might fool myself into thinking I need things I don't, and end up in bankruptcy. So my choices about »how to make my budget« are guided by honesty as a strategy to avoid that anti-goal.
I'm in an important business meeting with investors. When questions about metrics come up, I decide to share the numbers, and make it clear that they are not all good.
- I believe that if you see me as honest, you are more likely to invest in my startup. So my choices around »responding to questions« are being guided by honesty as a strategy to achieve that goal.
A police officer stops me in the park late at night. When she asks me what's I'm doing there, and why my eyes are red, I blurt out the whole story of my breakup.
- I am afraid I will get arrested if my red eyes make it seem like I'm taking drugs in the park at night. So my choices around »how to respond to the police officer's questions« are being guided by honesty as a strategy to avoid that anti-goal.
Step 3: Explore the 🌳 Personal Value
There are so many choices you could make as you move through the world. Personal values guide your attention down a path, and make the most inherently worthwhile choices stand out.
It's time to reflect on the situation in a new light. Some way of being / treating people / approaching things was being crowded out by outcomes or expectations. Explore the personal values that your emotions indicate.
Start by reflecting on what the emotion points to with some questions
Find the emotion that came up on the list below and click on the toggle to find some questions. Challenging emotions point us towards values that were blocked, that we could not attend to, that were suppressed and so on.
You'll find several questions—pick the one that seems most helpful, and take notes.
Hint: If the emotion you wrote down does not match the emotions listed beneath, go for the one that is closest.
What's worth protecting?
What way of living is blocked?
What way of being has no space here?
Take Notes:
What's worth protecting?
What way of living is blocked?
What way of being is not safe to emerge?
Take Notes:
What's worth protecting?
What way of living is blocked?
What way of being is not safe to emerge?
Take Notes:
What's worth protecting?
What way of living is threatened?
What way of being can you not bear to give up on?
Take Notes:
What's worth protecting?
What way of living is threatened?
What way of being can you not bear to give up on?
Take Notes:
What's worth protecting?
What way of living is threatened?
Take Notes:
What's worth recovering?
What way of living is overridden?
What value did you fail to live by?
Take Notes:
What's worth recovering?
What way of living did you neglect?
Take Notes:
What's worth recovering?
What way of living did you neglect?
What did you fail to prioritise?
Take Notes:
What's worth recovering?
What way of living did you give up on?
What do you no longer trust yourself with?
Take Notes:
What's worth honoring?
What way of living is lost for now?
What way of living has become impossible?
Take Notes:
What is worth protecting?
What way of living is violated?
Take Notes:
What's worth recovering?
What way of living is estranged?
Take Notes:
What is worth protecting?
What way of living is violated?
Take Notes:
What is worth protecting?
What way of living is violated?
Take Notes:
What's worth honoring?
What way of living is lost for now?
What way of living has become impossible?
Take Notes:
What's worth honoring?
What way of living is lost for now?
What way of living has become impossible?
Take Notes:
What's worth honoring?
What way of living is lost for now?
What way of living has become impossible?
Take Notes:
What's worth recentering around?
What way of living is out of focus?
What way of living do you not know how to bring to this?
What ways of living seem to be in conflict with each other?
Take Notes:
What's worth recentering around?
What way of living is out of focus?
What way of living do you not know how to bring to this?
What ways of living seem to be in conflict with each other?
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living is unsafe to emerge?
What's worth identifying?
What way of living would allow the above emerge?
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living is unsafe to emerge?
What's worth identifying?
What way of living would allow the above emerge?
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living is unsafe to emerge?
What's worth identifying?
What way of living would allow the above emerge?
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living is unsafe to emerge?
What's worth identifying?
What way of living would allow the above emerge?
Take Notes:
What's worth demoting?
What way of living doesn't make sense anymore?
What's worth embracing?
What way of living will save the above?
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living seems impossible?
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living seems impossible?
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living seems impossible?
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living seems impossible?
Take Notes:
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living seems impossible?
Take Notes:
And if you are up for it, ask yourself even more questions:
Can you think of someone who would have handled this situation well? How would they have approached it? (appreciation)
When you think back, what advice would you give yourself in that situation? (reflection)
If you would ignore outcomes and expectations above, what way of approaching things or treating people would have seemed worthwhile anyway? (pure value)
Using all of the information above, capture your wisdom by formulating an awareness-guiding "personal value phrase":
🌳
From the example emotion story above (at the grocery store):
🌳 look for opportunities to connect with the people you happen to be around right now
- 🌳 explore the complexity (and often absurdity) of how you and others view the situation, and how your desires and feelings interact
- 🌳 receive critical feedback without becoming defensive. search for what the person is telling you is important to them, and honor that as sacred
- 🌳 notice the emotional state of the person in front of you, and how you feel about the relationship; use that information to respond to the moment
- 🌳 speak about the physical sensations in your body as well as the needs, fears, and desires that they seem to indicate
And don't forget to copy it above!
Personal Value #3
🌳
Expectations and Outcomes that crowd it out:
💍🛃📈
Step 1: An Emotion Story in this Human System
Ask yourself: What it was like for you to actually be in the situation? Where were you? Who were you with? What happened? What emotions came up? How did they manifest in your body? What did you see, touch, taste, smell? Picture being there as vividly as you can. Sketch the outline of the story here:
I was with my son at the grocery store. The lady in front of us was paying a rather large grocery bill with coins. It was taking forever. I felt frustrated. There was a tightness in my chest, and I was clenching my teeth. I just wanted to get out of there and get on with my day.
Step 2: Identify Expectations and Outcomes
Your awareness is always being guided in social situations. This step will help you create awaeness-guiding phrases that capture goals and expectations.
Note: Emotion stories are very diverse. There might not be certain outcomes or expectations. If that's the case, just skip that part. And don't judge the way you were thinking at the time. Just do a brain dump for now.
💍 Meeting Expectations
What way did you have to be / how did you have to treat people or approach things in order to fit in, or so that someone/people would like you, or so you like yourself?
From the example emotion story above (at the grocery store):
💍 i need to stand quietly in line like everyone else
Some "Meeting Expectations" Words You Might Try
Adventurous / Capable / Clever / Creative / Deep / Dependable / Disciplined / Excited / Friendly / Generous / Genuine / Humorous / Happy / Inclusive / Kind / Knowledgable / Moderate / Modest / Patient / Professional / Punctual / Resourceful / Spiritual / Trustworthy
Full-on Examples
I want to be a good mother, so I've got to be caring.
All my friends know that I am the experimental one.
I learned from when I was a small boy that you have to be respectful of others.
How is honesty guiding choices in terms of expectations? (think, then click the ▶ toggle)
I am honest because I think my social role demands it.
- I see myself as a trusted journalist. So my choices around »how to write my stories« are being guided by honesty as a way of meeting expectations—behaving in a way that I believe will allow me to continue to function in my social role.
I am honest because I want other people to like and accept me.
- I am afraid my friends won't like and accept me if they think I am lying, i.e. not conforming to our group's standards. So my choices about »how to speak with my friends« are guided by honesty as a way of meeting expectations—social norms have been generated through consequences and pressure imposed by others.
I am honest because I need to like and accept myself.
- I want to think of myself as a good person. So my choices around »how to talk to customers« are being guided by honesty as a way of meeting expectations—an internalized image (derived from social norms) that I impose upon myself.
How was your brain is making sense of the situation? It's very likely that your understanding was non-verbal. But try to find a phrase that capture how your awareness was being guided:
From the example emotion story above (at the grocery store):
💍 hide your frustration from other people so they don't feel uncomfortable
These stories are from the field guide. Click the ▶ toggle to review the stories if you want.
In response to expectations, your mind focuses on this...
My readers know my column is three things: fast, accurate, and reliable. If they found out I'd made up any little detail of a story, they would lose all trust in me.
I am honest because I think my social role demands it.
- I see myself as a trusted journalist. So my choices around »how to write my stories« are being guided by honesty as a way of meeting expectations—behaving in a way that I believe will allow me to continue to function in my social role.
When it turned out that Joshua was lying, everyone just stopped hanging out with him. I'd never do what he did. I mean, you can't just go around making stuff up.
I am honest because I want other people to like and accept me.
- I am afraid my friends won't like and accept me if they think I am lying, i.e. not conforming to our group's standards. So my choices about »how to speak with my friends« are guided by honesty as a way of meeting expectations—social norms have been generated through consequences and pressure imposed by others.
There's nothing worse than being a a scumbag salesman, saying anything to get ahead. I always tell people exactly what I think, and let the chips fall where they may.
I am honest because I need to like and accept myself.
- I want to think of myself as a good person. So my choices around »how to talk to customers« are being guided by honesty as a way of meeting expectations—an internalized image (derived from social norms) that I impose upon myself.
🛃 Setting Expectations
What way did you have to be / how did you have to treat people or approach things in order to show someone/other peope how to act? (setting expectations)
Some "Social Modellling" Words You Might Try
Adventurous / Capable / Clever / Creative / Deep / Dependable / Disciplined / Enthusiastic about... / Friendly / Generous / Genuine / Humorous / Happy / Inclusive / Informed / Kind / Moderate / Modest / Patient / Professional / Punctual / Resourceful / Spiritual / Trustworthy
And how about these ideologies / social visions?
Most Religions (and in so many shades) / All Kinds of Patriotism / Alt-Right / Communitarianism / Conservatism / Fascism / Feminism / Liberalism / Marxism / Monogamy / Neoconservatism / Polyamory / Populism / Slow Food / Socialism / Veganism / Vegetarianism
Full-on Examples
Everyone should be emotionally resilient, just like I am.
All good / right-thinking people know they ought to be a patriotic Hungarian.
I'm going home for Christmas... My brother should be a good son, like me!
As a preacher, it's my responsibility to show my congregation how to be a pious Christian.
The world would be a better place if only everyone were non-religious.
From the example emotion story above (at the grocery store):
🛃 put my items on the belt, have my bags out and my debit card in hand
How is honesty guiding choices in terms of goals/fears? (think, then click the ▶ toggle)
I am honest in order to show you as an individual (or group) how to be.
- I want people working for me to own their mistakes. So my choices around »how to behave in meetings« are being guided by honesty as a way of setting expectations— modelling the behavior that I would like to see from others around me.
I am honest because I think that everyone needs to be that way.
- I believe that Radical Honesty is the right way for everyone to live. So my choices about »how to speak to others« are guided by honesty as an ideology—a way of setting expectations in terms of a vision for my whole social world.
How was your brain is making sense of the situation? It's very likely that your understanding was non-verbal. But try to find a phrase that capture how your awareness was being guided:
From the example emotion story above (at the grocery store):
🛃 multi-task to get your "turn" over in as little time as possible
These stories are from the field guide. Click the ▶ toggle to review the stories if you want.
In order to show others the way forward, you need to...
Whenever I make a mistake at the office, I bring it up immediately in the next meeting. It's not company policy, but as a manager, I need to demonstrate leadership.
I am honest in order to show you as an individual (or group) how to be.
- I want people working for me to own their mistakes. So my choices around »how to behave in meetings« are being guided by honesty as a way of setting expectations— modelling the behavior that I would like to see from others around me.
Everyone needs to read Brad Blanton's »Radical Honesty: How to Transform Your Life by Telling the Truth«. The world would be a better place if everyone stopped lying.
I am honest because I think that everyone needs to be that way.
- I believe that Radical Honesty is the right way for everyone to live. So my choices about »how to speak to others« are guided by honesty as an ideology—a way of setting expectations in terms of a vision for my whole social world.
📈 Other Practical Outcomes
What way did you think you had to be / how did you have to treat people or approach things in order to achieve something (a goal). Alternately, what way did you think you had to be / how did you have to treat people or approach things in order to avoid something? (an anti-goal)
From the example emotion story above (at the grocery store):
I wanted to be efficient and get through the line as quickly as possible.
Some Common "Outcome" Ways to Be
Adventurous / Capable / Clever / Creative / Deep / Dependable / Disciplined / Excited / Friendly / Generous / Genuine / Humorous / Happy / Inclusive / Kind / Knowledgable / Moderate / Modest / Patient / Professional / Punctual / Resourceful / Spiritual / Trustworthy /
Full-on Examples
At work, it pays off if other people think of me as productive so that I don't get fired.
I need to make sure I'm curious about my body so that I remain healthy.
As a renter, I need to keep things in working order so that I don't get evicted.
How is honesty guiding choices in terms of outcomes? (think, then click the ▶ toggle)
I believe it will pay off for other people to think of me as honest.
- I believe that if you see me as honest, you are more likely to invest in my startup. So my choices around »responding to questions« are being guided by honesty as a strategy to achieve that goal.
I'm convinced I'll get better outcomes if I am honest with myself.
- I believe that I have to be brutally honest with myself in order to be a great painter. So my choices about »how to make art« are guided by honesty as a strategy to acheive that goal.
I believe it will pay off for other people to think of me as honest.
- I am afraid I will get arrested if my red eyes make it seem like I'm taking drugs in the park at night. So my choices around »how to respond to the police officer's questions« are being guided by honesty as a strategy to avoid that anti-goal.
I'm convinced I'll get better outcomes if I am honest with myself.
- I'm afraid I might fool myself into thinking I need things I don't, and end up in bankruptcy. So my choices about »how to make my budget« are guided by honesty as a strategy to avoid that anti-goal.
We often have ideas (whether or not we have put them into words) about the way the world works. These ideas can guide our awareness. Find a phrase that makes your assumptions about how things work explicit:
From the example emotion story above (at the grocery store):
📈 get through boring tasks quickly so you can do things you enjoy
These stories are from the field guide. Click the ▶ toggle to review the stories if you want.
You want a certain outcome, so your mind focuses on this...
I produce worthless art, and convince myself that it's good. Like any painter worth her salt, if I'm not completely convinced about one of my works, I throw it in the trash.
- I believe that I have to be brutally honest with myself in order to be a great painter. So my choices about »how to make art« are guided by honesty as a strategy to acheive that goal.
I make a list of all of the things that I would like to have, and then strike out everything that I could possibly do without. If I don't do that, I'll go broke.
- I'm afraid I might fool myself into thinking I need things I don't, and end up in bankruptcy. So my choices about »how to make my budget« are guided by honesty as a strategy to avoid that anti-goal.
I'm in an important business meeting with investors. When questions about metrics come up, I decide to share the numbers, and make it clear that they are not all good.
- I believe that if you see me as honest, you are more likely to invest in my startup. So my choices around »responding to questions« are being guided by honesty as a strategy to achieve that goal.
A police officer stops me in the park late at night. When she asks me what's I'm doing there, and why my eyes are red, I blurt out the whole story of my breakup.
- I am afraid I will get arrested if my red eyes make it seem like I'm taking drugs in the park at night. So my choices around »how to respond to the police officer's questions« are being guided by honesty as a strategy to avoid that anti-goal.
Step 3: Explore the 🌳 Personal Value
There are so many choices you could make as you move through the world. Personal values guide your attention down a path, and make the most inherently worthwhile choices stand out.
It's time to reflect on the situation in a new light. Some way of being / treating people / approaching things was being crowded out by outcomes or expectations. Explore the personal values that your emotions indicate.
Start by reflecting on what the emotion points to with some questions
Find the emotion that came up on the list below and click on the toggle to find some questions. Challenging emotions point us towards values that were blocked, that we could not attend to, that were suppressed and so on.
You'll find several questions—pick the one that seems most helpful, and take notes.
Hint: If the emotion you wrote down does not match the emotions listed beneath, go for the one that is closest.
What's worth protecting?
What way of living is blocked?
What way of being has no space here?
Take Notes:
What's worth protecting?
What way of living is blocked?
What way of being is not safe to emerge?
Take Notes:
What's worth protecting?
What way of living is blocked?
What way of being is not safe to emerge?
Take Notes:
What's worth protecting?
What way of living is threatened?
What way of being can you not bear to give up on?
Take Notes:
What's worth protecting?
What way of living is threatened?
What way of being can you not bear to give up on?
Take Notes:
What's worth protecting?
What way of living is threatened?
Take Notes:
What's worth recovering?
What way of living is overridden?
What value did you fail to live by?
Take Notes:
What's worth recovering?
What way of living did you neglect?
Take Notes:
What's worth recovering?
What way of living did you neglect?
What did you fail to prioritise?
Take Notes:
What's worth recovering?
What way of living did you give up on?
What do you no longer trust yourself with?
Take Notes:
What's worth honoring?
What way of living is lost for now?
What way of living has become impossible?
Take Notes:
What is worth protecting?
What way of living is violated?
Take Notes:
What's worth recovering?
What way of living is estranged?
Take Notes:
What is worth protecting?
What way of living is violated?
Take Notes:
What is worth protecting?
What way of living is violated?
Take Notes:
What's worth honoring?
What way of living is lost for now?
What way of living has become impossible?
Take Notes:
What's worth honoring?
What way of living is lost for now?
What way of living has become impossible?
Take Notes:
What's worth honoring?
What way of living is lost for now?
What way of living has become impossible?
Take Notes:
What's worth recentering around?
What way of living is out of focus?
What way of living do you not know how to bring to this?
What ways of living seem to be in conflict with each other?
Take Notes:
What's worth recentering around?
What way of living is out of focus?
What way of living do you not know how to bring to this?
What ways of living seem to be in conflict with each other?
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living is unsafe to emerge?
What's worth identifying?
What way of living would allow the above emerge?
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living is unsafe to emerge?
What's worth identifying?
What way of living would allow the above emerge?
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living is unsafe to emerge?
What's worth identifying?
What way of living would allow the above emerge?
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living is unsafe to emerge?
What's worth identifying?
What way of living would allow the above emerge?
Take Notes:
What's worth demoting?
What way of living doesn't make sense anymore?
What's worth embracing?
What way of living will save the above?
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living seems impossible?
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living seems impossible?
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living seems impossible?
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living seems impossible?
Take Notes:
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living seems impossible?
Take Notes:
And if you are up for it, ask yourself even more questions:
Can you think of someone who would have handled this situation well? How would they have approached it? (appreciation)
When you think back, what advice would you give yourself in that situation? (reflection)
If you would ignore outcomes and expectations above, what way of approaching things or treating people would have seemed worthwhile anyway? (pure value)
Using all of the information above, capture your wisdom by formulating an awareness-guiding "personal value phrase":
🌳
From the example emotion story above (at the grocery store):
🌳 look for opportunities to connect with the people you happen to be around right now
- 🌳 explore the complexity (and often absurdity) of how you and others view the situation, and how your desires and feelings interact
- 🌳 receive critical feedback without becoming defensive. search for what the person is telling you is important to them, and honor that as sacred
- 🌳 notice the emotional state of the person in front of you, and how you feel about the relationship; use that information to respond to the moment
- 🌳 speak about the physical sensations in your body as well as the needs, fears, and desires that they seem to indicate
And don't forget to copy it above!
Note: You're welcome to add more values if you like.
