🙂 Hello! 🙂
✍️ How did it go? ✍️
🧂 Adding Salt 🧂
- The (right) equipment (to) remember, identity, find, arrange, collect, build, borrow ❓Do you need a special kind of equipment? What’s hard to do about knowing what you need or getting those things?
- The (right) people (to) identify, gather, select, find, get on board, convince, build relationships with ❓Does this value require a specific person? If so, what’s hard to do about gathering people who fit the criteria? What’s hard to do about knowing where to find them? What kind of information would you need to tell if someone is right? What’s hard to do about gathering that information? ❓What would you need to set up long in advance?
- The (right) time and timing (to) identify, notice, make, schedule ❓Does the moment need to be right? What would you need to be able to tell if the moment is right? What’s hard to do about evaluating that?
- The (right) setting (to) imagine, find, identify, set up, make, negotiate, decorate ❓Is this value easier in a specific setting? If so, what’s hard to do about creating that setting? ❓Do you need a certain mood or situation? If so, what’s hard to do about setting that mood / getting into that situation?
- Current capacity and needs (physical, intellectual, emotional) (to) Assess, bolster, provide support, keep in mind, make space for, listen to, ask about ❓ What do you need to be capable of handling as it unfolds? What is hard to do about that?
- Skills, ability (to) Assess, bolster, practice, grow, accommodate, keep in mind
- Current mood/emotions (to) Assess, make space for, acknowledge, change plans for, improvise, change gears, model, foresee, track, keep in mind ❓What do you need to be able to feel? What’s hard to do about that? What’s hard to do about knowing when you’re ready to handle and feel those things? ❓Do you need a certain mood? What’s hard to do about setting that mood? ❓Does this value require a person to be in a specific state? If so, what’s hard to do about getting people into that state? What kind of information would you need in order to tell if someone is in the right state? What’s hard to do about gathering that info? Is the state you/they need to be in fragile? What’s hard to do about getting yourself/others there?
- Limiting beliefs (to) notice, identify, name, process, make time for, sit with, keep in mind, not get drawn into
- Sense of safety, trust (to) Assess, reassure, call to mind, remember, remind, provide support, keep in mind, ask about ❓Are there reasons it might be unsafe to do this? What kind of information do you need to decide? What’s hard to do about figuring out whether it’s safe in this particular situation?
- How might they see and understand me (to) model, assess, step into their shoes, remember, ask about, listen to, adjust course
- Status, Relationship Durability, Communication, Willingness to cooperate (to) assess, take into account, change, remember, remind, track over time, change, ignore, make space for, address
- Consequences living by this value might have (to) assess, accept, sit with, make space for, hear out, mitigate, prepare for, remember, change, ignore
👣 👣 👣
Hard Steps
👣 assess the consequences of letting tasks drop or not following plans
👣 remember that getting what you want often isn't as important as being here together
👣 notice when what someone says doesn't match how they seem to feel
👣 provide support for the other person to share difficult thoughts/emotions
👣 adjust your mental model of what the encounter might be
👣 generate ideas for new courses of action
👣 👣 👣
Hard Steps
👣 assess the consequences of sharing your own raw inner experience right now
👣 ask about other people's capacity to hear and share raw inner experience right now
👣 make space for contradictions within and among people
👣 track the places where people's stories overlap and differ
👣 remember that there is no stable and final story of what is going on
👣 feeling my feelings, not brushing them over
👣 👣 👣
Hard Steps
👣 Recognise this is about to happen.
👣 Check-in: Do I have the bandwidth to show up for this right now?
👣 Dedicate time to listen to someone without other pressing concerns.
👣 Remove distractions. Prevent interruptions.
👣 Track your own emotional state.
👣 (Ask to) slow down when you become ungrounded.
👣 Keep in mind that you are the final judge of who you are, not the other person.
👣 Explore the other person's perspective on the situation as if it were your own.
👣 Stepping Hard 👣
Let's apply this to your project topic — together.
Before you start: Pick a Value
What was the emotional low-point of your day today?
Problem/Emotion Story:
What's worth protecting?
What way of living is blocked?
What way of being has no space here?
Take Notes:
What's worth protecting?
What way of living is blocked?
What way of being is not safe to emerge?
Take Notes:
What's worth protecting?
What way of living is blocked?
What way of being is not safe to emerge?
Take Notes:
What's worth protecting?
What way of living is threatened?
What way of being can you not bear to give up on?
Take Notes:
What's worth protecting?
What way of living is threatened?
What way of being can you not bear to give up on?
Take Notes:
What's worth protecting?
What way of living is threatened?
Take Notes:
What's worth recovering?
What way of living is overridden?
What value did you fail to live by?
Take Notes:
What's worth recovering?
What way of living did you neglect?
Take Notes:
What's worth recovering?
What way of living did you neglect?
What did you fail to prioritise?
Take Notes:
What's worth recovering?
What way of living did you give up on?
What do you no longer trust yourself with?
Take Notes:
What's worth honoring?
What way of living is lost for now?
What way of living has become impossible?
Take Notes:
What is worth protecting?
What way of living is violated?
Take Notes:
What's worth recovering?
What way of living is estranged?
Take Notes:
What is worth protecting?
What way of living is violated?
Take Notes:
What is worth protecting?
What way of living is violated?
Take Notes:
What's worth honoring?
What way of living is lost for now?
What way of living has become impossible?
Take Notes:
What's worth honoring?
What way of living is lost for now?
What way of living has become impossible?
Take Notes:
What's worth honoring?
What way of living is lost for now?
What way of living has become impossible?
Take Notes:
What's worth recentering around?
What way of living is out of focus?
What way of living do you not know how to bring to this?
What ways of living seem to be in conflict with each other?
Take Notes:
What's worth recentering around?
What way of living is out of focus?
What way of living do you not know how to bring to this?
What ways of living seem to be in conflict with each other?
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living is unsafe to emerge?
What's worth identifying?
What way of living would allow the above emerge?
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living is unsafe to emerge?
What's worth identifying?
What way of living would allow the above emerge?
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living is unsafe to emerge?
What's worth identifying?
What way of living would allow the above emerge?
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living is unsafe to emerge?
What's worth identifying?
What way of living would allow the above emerge?
Take Notes:
What's worth demoting?
What way of living doesn't make sense anymore?
What's worth embracing?
What way of living will save the above?
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living seems impossible?
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living seems impossible?
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living seems impossible?
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living seems impossible?
Take Notes:
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living seems impossible?
Take Notes:
Change the Story, Get More Stories, Take a New Perspective:
Values can get crowded out by internalized expectations. If you notice a negative self-image, perform a Self-Image Flip by asking them what the positive reversal of that would be.
Example: I just felt so weak in that moment...
What is your strong self like? How does that self (approach things/treat people/act/keep things/live life)?
Example: I'm completely incompetent...
What would it look like for you to be capable? How would you be able to (approach things/treat people/act/keep things/live life)?
Values can also get crowded out by external factors. In that case, find a question by performing a System Fix — getting rid of the problem.
Example: I was scared to say anything because I might lose my job.
How would you have been able to (approach things/treat people/act/keep things/live life) if you knew that you couldn't lose your job?
Example: The deadline was coming up, and I was just getting more and more frustrated...
How would you have been able to (approach things/treat people/act/keep things/live life) if you knew that you had all the time you needed?
Sometimes people have trouble seeing that their values aren't tied to the specifics of one story. In that case, find a question that invites them to think about similar Bad Times or Better Times.
Example (Bad Times): I just got so frustrated by the whole thing.
Are there other times that you have been frustrated like that? What way of (approaching things/treating people/acting/ keeping things/living life) seems blocked in those moments?
Example (Better Times): I felt like it didn't even matter if I was there.
Can you think of a time when it seemed like it mattered that you were there? What was different? How were you able to (approach things/act/treat people/keep things)?
You want to make sure that you don't only see your own personal value in another person's story. But saying what that value means for you can give them something to push against.
Example (Self-Reference): I guess it's a kind of authenticity.
When I'm being authentic, it's about sharing my feelings in a way that immediately resonates in my body. Is it like that for you too, or is it something else?
Sometimes people haven't reflected on their story before (or maybe they aren't very self-reflected in general). In that case, ask them for some Advice they would give themselves.
Example: It was all just so hopeless...
What advice would you give to yourself in that situation if you could go back? What way of (approaching things/treating people/acting/ keeping things/living life) would be important to remember?
Sometimes people's more easily recognize values they Admire or Appreciate in others.
Example: ...and then I just felt horrible about the whole thing...
Can you think of a person who would have handled that situation really well? How would they have (approached things/acted/treated people/kept things)? [CAREFUL: you might get an image they are pressuring themselves with here. If so, bring it back to a value or use another move.]
Reggie Luedtke came up with this. I'm not exactly sure why it works, but it's got a pretty solid track record. What wasn't being loved/is worth loving in this situation?
Example: ...and then I just felt horrible about the whole thing...
What would it look like if love would have been guiding your choices? How would you have been (approaching things/ treating people / acting / keeping things)? Alternately: What's worth loving in this situation?
Outline the story again, but from the outside... as if it were about someone else. How is that person having trouble (treating people/acting/approaching things/keeping things)?
Emotion:
Immediate Cause:
🌳 Personal Value: Treat people... Act... Approach things... Keep things...
Find a word or short phrase that captures your value (a way of being). Write it down:
Using the word above, answer these questions one at a time. (slowly works best)
1) To seem this way to others, I've been:
2) But on my own terms, being this way means being:
3) And people I admire for being this way inspire me because they are:
How would you name your value now?
Use your answers to 2) and/or 3). Write it here:
approaching things ___, treating people ___, acting ___, keeping things ___, living life __
Note: your value might already be spot on. If so, you don't need to answer the questions.
- Would it still be worth doing independent of the outcome? If so, continue to the next bullet point. If not, it's a goal or fear! Take notes below.
- Would it still be worth doing if no one knew you did it? If so, continue to the next question. If not, it's a social norm. Take notes below.
- Do you believe you could still be a good person even if you failed to be this way? If so, continue to the next question. If not, it's an internalized social norm. Take notes below.
- Would it still be worth being this way if no one else ever joined in? If so, (after all the questions above) it's probably a value! If not, it’s an ideological commitment. Take notes below.
"How would I want to approach things/treat people/etc. if I couldn't affect the outcome?"
"How would I want to approach things/treat people/etc. if no one noticed?"
"How would I want to approach things/treat people/etc. if there were no rules?"
"How would I want to approach things/treat people/etc. if I couldn't influence anyone?
Use any relevant answers to write out your value below.
Articulated personal values are the foundation of good values-based designs. So use the questions below to make sure your formulation is on point. Your personal value should be a clear, awareness-guiding, actionable directive. These three critera interpenetrate, but you can find examples and help below. Start by writing your value down here:
approach things _____, treat people _____, act (with) _____, keep things _____, live life ______
Personal Value:
Serge:
Treat people with curiosity as if they are mirrors of the greater, unconscious aspects of myself and as unique sources of insight into the landscape of my inner worlds
Nathan:
Live life in a way that supports others in discovering and enacting their best understanding of self-care
Is it CLEAR, or actually a vague concept?
Value phrases can be too vague to be useful for design. Make sure your phrase names something specific enough that it could guide a person's choices.
Bad formulations
- "Community". Imagine asking a theater director how you should play a friendship scene, and she says "community". I think you see the problem here.
- "Be Kind". Again, it's not clear how I could approach the situation, or what potential choices should stand out. I can't design with this formulation of my value.
- "Approaching things with a concrete sense of philosophical equanimity". What does that even mean? Often people will come up with a value that sounds interesting, poetic, or smart, but is actually so abstract that it doesn't matter to them in direct experience.
When you manage to live by your personal value, what are you noticing? What specific aspects of the situation should your personal value phrase bring into the foreground?
How would you tell an actor to be in a scene where they make choices based on that?
approach things _____, treat people _____, act (with) _____, keep things _____, live life ______
Better Formulation of a value around "how to be while criticizing people"
When you manage to live by your value, what are you noticing? What specific aspects of the situation should your value phrase bring into the foreground?
What I notice, and need to foreground: That we're both human beings, and that I make mistakes all the time, and that I often don't handle things the way I would have wanted to
How would you tell an actor to be in a scene where they make choices based on that?
Personal Value: approach other people's faults with humility and compassion, relate to them in a way that is deeply mindful of your own imperfections
Is it AWARENESS-GUIDING, or actually an instruction?
Value phrases tell you how to approach a situation. It shouldn't tell you what to do, but rather should bring relevant choices into the foreground.
Bad formulations
- "Criticize people in a way that doesn't upset them". This is clear, but doesn't show me where I should direct my awareness. (It's about a goal with other people).
- "Stay calm, and don't take things too personally". This is perhaps decent advice, but it's also an instruction, and doesn't help me focus my awareness on relevant choices.
- "Stick together through thick and thin". I can imagine what I'm supposed to do, but it's still just an instruction. Like "stay calm", it won't guide me towards what is important when I am making real choices.
Where should you direct your attention in order to live by this personal value?
Rephrase the personal value to make those things stand out:
Better Formulation of a value around "how to be while receiving criticism"
I need to figure out where to direct my attention. Not what to do, but how is it important to be when people are criticizing me.
Where should you direct your attention in order to live by this personal value?
Where Should I direct my attention?: That I stay open to connection. That I don't lose touch with the person and the relationship because I don't want to look at what they are showing me.
Rephrase the personal value to make those things stand out:
Personal Value: connect fearlessly, trust the person behind the mirror that they are holding up to you
Is it an ACTIONABLE DIRECTIVE or actually a description?
A value doesn't tell you what to do. It's an improvisational directive that helps you recognize opportunities to be a certain way. Does your value remind you of how you'd like to approach a given context?
Bad formulations
- "See the plank in my own eye when I look at the speck in yours". This might be capturing what inspires me when I reflect on my experience. But how would I act on this Biblical image? It's better to use less poetic language.
- "Don't feel resigned and isolated in difficult situations". This points in the direction of something important, but also isn't actionable. It doesn't really foreground choices that I could make.
- "Recognize that other people aren't the final judge of who I am". This is also in the direction of something important. But it wouldn't really foreground specific choices.
What are some ideas that would be important to keep in mind in that context? How would you tell an actor to approach a scene in which she lives by this value?
Rephrase your personal value to be more about how to proceed:
Better Formulation of a value around "how I want to treat my friends in tough times"
What are some ideas that would be important to keep in mind when things get difficult for friends? How would you tell an actor to approach a scene in which she lives by this value?
How would I tell an actor to play a scene with this value?: Think outside the box, and find solutions that could arise from collective efforts that wouldn't have been available to any one of you alone
Rephrase your personal value to be more about how to proceed:
Personal Value: keeping things creative when my friends are facing hardships, addressing problems collectively, drawing on the wealth of our communal talents
Example: I have
Articulate Your Value
Is it CLEAR, or actually a vague concept?
Value phrases can be too vague to be useful for design. Make sure your phrase names something specific enough that it could guide a person's choices.
When you manage to live by your value, what are you noticing? What specific aspects of the situation should your value phrase bring into the foreground?
Can you make that/those thing(s) more clear and salient in your phrasing?
approach things ___, treat people ___, act ___, keep things ___, live life ___
Example: I have a value around "how to be when receiving criticism"
Bad formulations
Better Formulation
Now it's your turn!
When you manage to live by your value, what specific ways of showing up are actually important to you?
Now rephrase your value to make that/those thing(s) stand out:
Example: I have a value around "how I want to treat my friends in tough times"
Bad formulations of my value
Now it's your turn!
When you manage to live by your value, what do you remember? What are some improvisational directives you could give to yourself in that context?
Now rephrase your value to to be about how to proceed:
Write your 🌳 Personal Value as a phrase here:
Step 1: Come up with potential Hard Steps
Come up with many imperfect hard steps. You can filter, make them more specific and refine them later.
Ask yourself:
- You lived by your value! What actions did you do to get there? Write yourself a recipe.
- Scan what you wrote down so far. Anything missing in between? Anything that you need to do in preparation of or after the event?
- Scan what you wrote so far again. Which of those seems hard? What exactly is hard to do? Where do my attempts to live by this value usually break down? Can you zoom into what exactly makes it hard?
- Noticing—Noticing an internal or external stimulus, Attending to something, Tracking something.
- Feeling—Noticing, Identifying the emotion, Disentangling the immediate cause and associated beliefs.
- Focusing—Noticing, Selecting what to focus on, Attending to Something, Shifting focus, Tracking something over time, Keeping in mind, Staying in Touch with, Not getting distracted.
- Recognizing, Identifying—Noticing an internal or external stimulus, Having a Referent (e.g. previous experience with the thing I am trying to identify)
- Gathering information, Finding out—Discovering, Investigating, Scanning for—Knowing what you need (to know, to look out for), Gaining access, Interpreting what you learn.
- Remembering, Recalling—Remembering how to do something or explicit knowledge, Having gained that knowledge, Remembering to remember.
- Generating, imagining alternatives (creativity)
- Assessing, discerning—Assessing, Evaluating, Discerning, Telling whether, Separating, Identifying.
- Deciding, Weighing, Choosing—Trading off, Prioritising, Balancing more than one concern, Choosing the best ... (team, time, space)
- Modeling, Foreseeing—Modeling interactions, Stepping into the shoes of the other, Foreseeing consequences, Anticipating.
- Changing Situations and Games—Making space for, Creating, Getting, Finding, Arranging, Collecting, Building, Borrowing, Asking for support with, Pausing, Rearranging
- Social Skills—Negotiating, Listening, Asking, Understanding, Reminding, Providing support, Stepping into their shoes, Empathy
- Resources, Capacity, Experience—Setting yourself up ahead of time to do hard things later.
- Changing Course, Dealing with Setbacks—Accepting, Sitting with, Bearing, Knowing it's okay, Improvising, Stepping back, Aborting, Changing mental model, gear, lens.
- What aspects of your environment do you have to take into account?
- The (right) equipment (to) remember, identity, find, arrange, collect, build, borrow ❓Do you need a special kind of equipment? What’s hard to do about knowing what you need or getting those things?
- The (right) people (to) identify, gather, select, find, get on board, convince, build relationships with ❓Does this value require a specific person? If so, what’s hard to do about gathering people who fit the criteria? What’s hard to do about knowing where to find them? What kind of information would you need to tell if someone is right? What’s hard to do about gathering that information? ❓What would you need to set up long in advance?
- The (right) time and timing (to) identify, notice, make, schedule ❓Does the moment need to be right? What would you need to be able to tell if the moment is right? What’s hard to do about evaluating that?
- The (right) setting (to) imagine, find, identify, set up, make, negotiate, decorate ❓Is this value easier in a specific setting? If so, what’s hard to do about creating that setting? ❓Do you need a certain mood or situation? If so, what’s hard to do about setting that mood / getting into that situation?
- Current capacity and needs (physical, intellectual, emotional) (to) Assess, bolster, provide support, keep in mind, make space for, listen to, ask about ❓What do you need to be capable of handling as it unfolds? What is hard to do about that?
- Skills, ability (to) Assess, bolster, practice, grow, accommodate, keep in mind
- Current mood/emotions (to) Assess, make space for, acknowledge, change plans for, improvise, change gears, model, foresee, track, keep in mind ❓What do you need to be able to feel? What’s hard to do about that? What’s hard to do about knowing when you’re ready to handle and feel those things? ❓Do you need a certain mood? What’s hard to do about setting that mood? ❓Does this value require a person to be in a specific state? If so, what’s hard to do about getting people into that state? What kind of information would you need in order to tell if someone is in the right state? What’s hard to do about gathering that info? Is the state you/they need to be in fragile? What’s hard to do about getting yourself/others there?
- Limiting beliefs (to) notice, identify, name, process, make time for, sit with, keep in mind, not get drawn into
- Sense of safety, trust (to) Assess, reassure, call to mind, remember, remind, provide support, keep in mind, ask about ❓Are there reasons it might be unsafe to do this? What kind of information do you need to decide? What’s hard to do about figuring out whether it’s safe in this particular situation?
- How might they see and understand me (to) model, assess, step into their shoes, remember, ask about, listen to, adjust course
- Status, Relationship Durability, Communication, Willingness to cooperate (to) assess, take into account, change, remember, remind, track over time, change, ignore, make space for, address
- Other consequences living by this value might have (to) assess, accept, sit with, make space for, hear out, mitigate, prepare for, remember, change, ignore
Step 2: Screen and Pick
Go through the list of potential hard steps. Maybe kick some out. Improve them one by one.
Ask yourself:
- Noticing—Noticing an internal or external stimulus, Attending to something, Tracking something.
- Feeling—Noticing, Identifying the emotion, Disentangling the immediate cause and associated beliefs.
- Focusing—Noticing, Selecting what to focus on, Attending to Something, Shifting focus, Tracking something over time, Keeping in mind, Staying in Touch with, Not getting distracted.
- Recognizing, Identifying—Noticing an internal or external stimulus, Having a Referent (e.g. previous experience with the thing I am trying to identify)
- Gathering information, Finding out—Discovering, Investigating, Scanning for—Knowing what you need (to know, to look out for), Gaining access, Interpreting what you learn.
- Remembering, Recalling—Remembering how to do something or explicit knowledge, Having gained that knowledge, Remembering to remember.
- Generating, imagining alternatives (creativity)
- Assessing, discerning—Assessing, Evaluating, Discerning, Telling whether, Separating, Identifying.
- Deciding, Weighing, Choosing—Trading off, Prioritising, Balancing more than one concern, Choosing the best ... (team, time, space)
- Modeling, Foreseeing—Modeling interactions, Stepping into the shoes of the other, Foreseeing consequences, Anticipating.
- Changing Situations and Games—Making space for, Creating, Getting, Finding, Arranging, Collecting, Building, Borrowing, Asking for support with, Pausing, Rearranging
- Social Skills—Negotiating, Listening, Asking, Understanding, Reminding, Providing support, Stepping into their shoes, Empathy
- Resources, Capacity, Experience—Setting yourself up ahead of time to do hard things later.
- Changing Course, Dealing with Setbacks—Accepting, Sitting with, Bearing, Knowing it's okay, Improvising, Stepping back, Aborting, Changing mental model, gear, lens.
🌤 Reflection 🌤
Prepare
A value of yours that you recently failed to live by
Bonus: The value of a friend of yours
On your own
One value of yours
Was there a Hard Step that explains why you failed to live by this value recently? If so, which?
How can you make living by this value easier knowing this Hard Step?
Is there someone else involved in the situation who doesn't understand one of the Hard Steps you want to take? What is the Hard Step they don't understand?
Can you identify Hard Steps relevant for this value, which also come up for other values you want to live by as well? Can you think of a way to practice these Hard Steps in isolation?
For your friend's value
Can you also speculate what might be a Hard Step for them?
With this idea of what might be a Hard Step for them, could you make living by this value easier for them?
